There is alot going on right now. I mean aside from the human being inside my body. Except nothing is ever "aside" from the baby inside is it? I feel like everything that I do, or eat, or feel, or think has an impact on this little person (who, did I mention, is INSIDE MY BODY? And also, did I mention, HOLY CRAP, a PERSON is living inside my body? Not that it freaks me out or anything).
There is something personal going on for me right now. And it permeates every. single. part. of my life. What started out as a situation that upset me about a month and a half ago, has grown into something so huge, that I feel sick about it every day. I don't sleep well, and sometimes I lose my appetite. I don't know if it will ever resolve itself. It doesn't seem like it is going to at this point, but then again, these things always feel like they won't ever resolve and they almost always seem to. But this single issue has made me so sad, for so long, that I can't imagine myself ever really getting over it. And I suppose it is the fact that I may not ever get over it that makes me so sad in the first place.
What specifically is wrong is irrelevant for the baby. I am worried that this little person will somehow sense that something is wrong, that the world is somehow not happy, and in turn will feel a sense of unease. I want this child to feel comfortable, and loved and protected. I don't think a baby should know "unease" or sadness or worry. I never did. What if my constant state of upset and sadness affects the baby, even as it is inside me? I can't help feeling that you can't hide things like this from your children, that they pick up more than we think. What if that starts when the baby is inside you?
And this thought only makes the whole situation worse. So much worse.
I was a happy kid. I was never anxious or worried. I didn't fret over things and never really was overly sensitive. I think because my parents were happy, and never let themselves get too anxious or worried or angry. I was raised to be confident and happy because my parents were confident and happy. I want that to be the case with my child.
My husband is easygoing. He laughs easily and is openly affectionate. He rarely gets angry. We have alot of fun together. Our house is very happy. In general we are both positive people. And I want my child to be like that.
But lately, this problem I am having is such a negative force. And I worry that the negativity impacts the baby. I have to think it does. And GOD, that kills me. I haven't even really started yet, and already I am failing at this motherhood thing. Failing at protecting this baby from the strain of something so upsetting and stressful.
So in the spirit of motherhood, what else can I do except pull it together? My mom would have.