Oh, so now that you're married, you don't give a damn about bridal showers?

That is correct. I don't. Quite honestly, aside from getting alot of kitchen and bath stuff, I didn't really care about them when I was the bride. They are a type of torture that women inflict on each other. Why? Well I don't have all the answers...did you think I did?

So my husband's cousin is getting married. To a woman. Which is fine, as he is a male. Not that it wouldn't be fine even if my husband's cousin was a female. I mean, I'm liberal...I voted for Gore and Kerry. I AM FROM MASSACHUSSETTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Plus, I have a gay brother. See? You can't trump that can you? I am definitely all for equality and civil rights and I am totally down with the gays. Obviously. Geez. But I digress.

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, my husband's cousin is getting married to his long, long, long time girlfriend, and I was invited, along with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law to the shower. I will take this opportunity to point out that the bride to be is quite possibly the sweetest human being on the face of the earth, and in no way am I talking about her shower in particular. Well, I mean, I am, but...not just her shower...all showers. So again, not mean spirited (and also down with the gays, in case we are keeping score).

The shower was hastily thrown together because she is pregnant. They were engaged before she got pregnant and have been dating forever, so it actually just makes the whole thing more special, and quicker. Again, I digress.

The shower was at a place near my house. A well known place. A place I have been to many times. I wouldn't have gathered that from the invitation however, because my invitation was illegible. Nor did it state the address, nor did it have the time the shower started. Pay attention people...it was a rush job. So I was completely aggravated by the shower. Which let's be honest, even if you had printed out directions on gold leaf paper, I would have been aggravated. I hate showers.

In light of my not knowing where the shower was, or what time it started, I called my mother-in-law, who told me the shower was in a shopping center called "ABC CIRCLE SHOPPING CENTER." She also told me the shower started promptly at 2:00. She told me this on Saturday morning. The shower was on Sunday.

I was proud of my proactivity. Normally, I am totally disorganized and have no idea where the hell I am going on any given day. But not this time! This time I was prepared. Much like our military. Well, much like our military under Clinton, as opposed to our Bush military which is woefully ill prepared and under funded, and poorly supplied (and before some republican starts calling me unpatriotic...that gay brother? Yeah, well his boyfriend is a serving marine...so I am not unpatriotic. I totally support the troops. Especially my gay brother's boyfriend, to whom I send care packages regularly, so shut your republican fear mongering trap). Alas, I must digress again.

On Sunday, my husband starts trying to figure out where the shower is. This is not unusual, but rather typical. This is our dynamic. I never know where I am going, how to get there, or what time anything is. I usually don't have everything I will need once I am there with me. Normally, this drives him crazy, but as previously explained, the invitation was useless and therefore my complete lack of knowledge about what is going on around me was excused just this once by him.

Until I stepped in to tell him that I knew where the place was, and what time to be there, and shouldn't he be proud of me because I am basically as prepared as the army...under Clinton, not Bush. And he agrees with me about the distinction between CLinton and Bush militarily, and we discuss it for a while, before we get back on topic and he says, "are you sure you know what you are doing?"

"I talked to your mom yesterday" I said. He said "what is the name of the place?" "I don't know, but its in the ABC CIRCLE SHOPPING CENTER."

A roll of the eyes. I mean seriously? He is going with a 'roll of the eyes' response? I am getting ready to attend a thousand year old torture tradition for women (no doubt thought up by a man) and he is rolling his eyes at me?

"There is no restaurant in the ABC SHOPPING CENTER"

"Look, that's what your mom said"

"Then you heard her wrong"

"As opposed to her actually BEING wrong?"

He proceeded to call everyone under the sun trying to get anyone to pick up their phone so that we could determine where the shower was. Despite the fact that I already knew where the shower was.

Finally, we got a hold of his sister, who informed us that it was indeed NOT in the ABC SHOPPING CENTER, but was at a place nearby. My head exploded. I broke out in an anger rash, and then fire came out of my eyes.

"See aren't you glad I checked into it for you?"

"No, I am not glad. I am aggravated that your mom told me the wrong thing!" I think my husband rolled his eyes at me, I don't know because all the fire coming out of my eyes blinded me.

10 minutes later, I am at the place (told you it was close by!) and fuming because my husband is blaming me once again for not knowing what is going on, when in fact, I had done my due diligence and determined time and place of the shower. HIS MOTHER WAS WRONG, NOT ME! God forbid he blame anything on his MOTHER! Which I am aware is a cliche, and I am also aware that he actually did concede that it was his mom's fault, but still...

I have absolutely no ending to this story. I wish I could say that I was furious with his mother when I saw her and poured soup in her lap. But frankly, I saw a lemon meringue pie and got distracted from being mad. What can I say? I am easily distracted.

So in conclusion:

I am down with gays.

I support our military.

I also support gays in the military.

My husband's mother is trying to sabotage me.

I love America.

Our president is a schmuck.

My in-laws are republican, and I am down with republican's that can admit our president is a schmuck.

I like pie.

I hate bridal showers.

*as a side note: I do in fact have a gay brother, whose boyfriend is a marine. I do send him care packages, but not as often as I should.

Oh, and just in case, you love our president, and totally agree with everything the republican party says, and have lost all ability to either 1) laugh at yourself and your beliefs in good fun and/or 2)recognize that our president is an idiot:

Look at this:



And don't be mad!