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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I'm Cranky

"Cranky pants" for those of you not in the know (or not in a marraige with me) is a condition which is marked by irritability after a poor night of sleep. The condition is normally caused when a husband promises his wife two nights in a row that he will come to bed early with her, then does not come to bed early with her on either night, thereby keeping her awake until approximately midnight despite the fact that she has specifically told him that she is EXHAUSTED, and needs to go to bed early. Said wife will let it go on the first night, but then on the second night, she will restate her desire to go to bed early, and in a nonaccusatory way, mention the fact that she had wanted to go to bed early the night before, only didn't get to do so because he kept her up doing god knows what in the kitchen.

When said husband again agrees to come to bed early, only to break the agreement at bedtime, the result will be a wife wearing cranky pants upon waking the next morn.

My advice to those who may encounter this phenomenon in the future:

When you say you are going to come to bed and do not do so, and it keeps your wife awake on a span of nights on which she has specifically informed you of her desire to retire to the bedroom early due to exhaustion, then do not be surprised if when you bend down to kiss her awake the next morning she wordlessly shoves her open palm into your face, giving you the universal signal for five more minutes. And I suggest giving her the five extra minutes and not trying to pull one over on her by waking her up again in four minutes, because she will know that she was short-changed and it will only make the situation worse...for you.

Also, do not look surprised in any way whatsoever if, when you try to tell her good morning, she growls at you like a bobcat and closes the bathroom door in your face.

If you find yourself in this situation, it is best to remain still and make no noise. Eventually she will let you in the bathroom to put your god damn tie on (And although this seems to be something that goes without saying, I would not recommend asking her which tie she thinks looks better because I assure you that the only consideration she is giving your ties at the moment relate to which tie she would use to strangle you). I would also suggest going to bed with her that night even if you have a soccer game that does not start until 10 pm, and even if the team needs you to show up so they have enough guys. Because one more night could intensify the cranky pants syndrome elevating the condition to a much more dangerous and lethal condition known as "bitch-ass" sydrome.

And we would ALL like to avoid that.

*editors note: The cranky pants syndrome lasts only 20 minutes in the morning. I love my husband and am not entirely a shrew. Also, the train I take home from the big city wasn't running last night, and he came all the way in to pick me up IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC...certainly a cure for the cranky pants. And there was never a question that he would go to the soccer game...I don't pretend to be his mother and tell him things he can't do. So can we stop with the mean comments saying I am a horrible person and wife?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sending this link to my hubby as a PSA RIGHT NOW!

3:03 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

maybe I'm missing something, but can't you go to bed and let him stay up? I mean, it's sweet and all to go to bed TOGETHER, but if it meant I would be crankypants, I think I'd retire when I was tired and leave him to the kitchen. No?

3:54 PM  
Blogger Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

Conditions are conditions, and if you are going to be and stay married, you have to know what they are.

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I apologize for not being clear, I would be happy to go to bed without him, if he wouldn't wake me up when he came to bed...once he wakes me after I have been asleep, I can't go back to sleep for an hour or two. It's just how I roll...

6:55 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

well now, that makes perfect sense, newly!! I think he should have to be more considerate then! (Sorry, hubby!)

9:46 AM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

WHY WHY WHY do men revert to being 10 years old at bedtime?? I'm not saying who, but someone I know (ahem, Mark) stamps his feet, pounds his fists, clenches his teeth and mutters, "But I'm not tierd. I want to play X-Box". Only to fall asleep 2.2 minutes later.

PS - I like your back-peddling editorial note :)

1:49 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

ha ha-- That is fabulous. It is amazing how quickly crankypants syndrome can be remedied with a good night of sleep and very sweet kisses.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous KidKate said...

Mean comments?! Yikes. My husband and I live in a small apartment, which means we sort of have to go to bed at the same time (otherwise, you can see/hear everything from the bedroom), so I relate. Two nights in a row would make me a cranky pants too.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous KidKate said...

Thanks for your comment, Newly. You're the best!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Jules said...

Oh, my God, that is hysterical!!! I know exactly what you mean!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Am I alone in wanting to know exactly what you were doing in the kitchen that late at night?

'Cuz if it was really good, that might explain his willingness to put up with a little morning grumping...

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