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Friday, February 24, 2006


It is hard to write a chronicle of the first year of marraige for someone who will read about our experiences in retrospect. My intention is to keep a journal for my husband so that we can have a keepsake of our first year together. To remember all the small details that don't make it to a photo album, memorialized forever. To give life and memory to the mundane 'everyday' that we go through. I know that we will look back on this year with a much different perspective than we had while going through it. And I want to remember how I felt, how he felt. I want to be able to remember this year with the same perspective with which I lived it.

The only catch is that as much as you want to remember the funny little things, to truly capture the year means to write about the hurts too. Marraige is not all emergency plans, and home depot and valentine's day stories. So I write now, knowing that when he reads this, all will be fine again. I know that, but I think it's worth something to remember the times it was hard. Not to would be a disservice to our first year of marraige.


Marriage kicks in most when it gets hard. And it has been hard.

We are not a couple that fights very often. We bicker and laugh. We disagree and discuss. But it would be rare that we actually fight. The kind that hurts, that you can't get over with a 'sorry' and a kiss. I would estimate that over 8 years, we have gotten mad enough that it hurts only 4 or 5 times.

I am hurt. What I am hurt about is irrelevant. It always is. For me, it has always been the fact that he would hurt me at all that cuts the deepest. In an argument there are boundaries and I know that they are sometimes crossed. To do so inadvertantly is unavoidable. No one can always know where those boundaries lie. Those are the types of lines that if you accidentally step over, you can jump right back behind the line. The types of things that are more easily forgiveable because of their nature.

But to knowingly cross the line, and to take that step when someone is telling you "please don't do this, it's a whole other thing if you take that step" is to do so intentionally. It is much harder to go backward if you were moving forward at such a deliberate pace. The types of things that are much harder to forgive because of their nature.

Arguments happen, and they escalate. No one gets to be married without going through that. I am sure this will not be the last time, but it is the first, and that counts for something.

Because what my blue eyed boy does not realize is that yesterday I would have said he was perfect. I would say it still today or tommorrow, but I would know deep down that it wasn't entirely true. Which is fine, because no one is perfect. It's like the first time something happens that makes you see your parents as real people. You still love them just as much, and you get over it...but they are redefined to you, and somehow you can never go back to seeing your parents as they were when you thought that their whole purpose of being was you.

See? That's the problem with deciding to step over the line intentionally is that no matter how mad you are and how justified you feel at the time, you lose something much more valuable than whatever's at stake in the argument.

Because until yesterday your wife believed you were perfect.


Blogger Poppy Cede said...

I've been with my husband 8 years, married 5 of them and I definitely hear you. Nobody is perfect, so even though he hurt you perhaps you can take away the good part of knowing that your husband is human and makes mistakes and is likely very sorry for them and will try not to do this again, but there are no promises in life and that likely it will happen again. Talking it out and negotiating when you're not upset helps to make the disagreements not cross the line in the future. I hope the hurt goes by quickly and that you can continue a happy first year of marriage. It's much harder than anyone can ever tell you, even with that "perfect" person, it's just something you have to go through for yourself. Even though there are days where my husband has crossed that line and I am angry and hurt and devastated, the next wave of life comes along and I think he's incredible again (today would be a day where I think he's wonderful, and I told him so this morning). Sorry this is a bit disjointed, sometimes my clarity of thought does not translate to written clarity. Just know that not being perfect is okay, and normal, and that the hurt will subside.

5:23 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I'm sorry you're hurt. I know it's hard, and that all marriages go through this. Just know that he still is your perfect husband ... he just has a lot of butt-kissing to do! :)

11:59 PM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Poppy is right...I couldnt have said it better myself. *hugs*, and I hope your hurt fades, and you feel better soon.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Thank you for sharing this--it's so truthful and poignant, and really describes that moment that comes to us all when we realize that the man we love is made of earth, just like us.

My husband didn't cross over that line for four years, incredibly, but when he did, he pole vaulted! It kind of amazes me that I can laugh now, but that's what you do from the other side of hurt, when it's all rolled up together into the pile of memories you share.

You'll talk it out, and he'll see how sacred that patch of ground is, and in the end, when all the words are spun out, you'll have something more real and more substantial than it was yesterday when it was perfect.

Your writing is so insightful--I think it's wonderful that you're capturing this first year!

2:53 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

You're right, to capture just the funny parts wouldn't be the whole picture. I'm glad you wrote about this, for his sake and yours down the road. There are lines that feel "uncrossable", but my guess is that you'll both learn more from this moment together than some of the others. He'll learn about this pain for you and you'll learn why he chose to cross this line.

Newly, I love your writing. I love remembering what the first year of marriage was like. And I love how much you love your husband, even when he isn't perfect.

8:53 AM  
Blogger eM said...

It is a ridiculously painful time when you realize that and it's not like you never thought it would happen, but it still sucks. The good thing is, as others mentioned, talking through it and getting past it will oddly make things in some ways better, even if they're not perfect. Once or twice I've looked at my husband and honestly just wanted to seriously hurt him in a way that may begin to make him understand how I felt. There is that moment of 'oh what the hell have I done (in marrying him), I need to run away NOW!'

But getting through that and past it can make things better. And really, sometimes boundaries have to be pushed to understand where they really exist. Hopefully this will take you both to a better place in knowing what lines can be crossed and what really can't.

Good luck and thanks for sharing!

8:23 PM  
Blogger Crystal said... heart just broke a little bit for you.

4:41 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Where have I been for so long? My favorite east coast blogger was hurting and I left you out in the cold.

I know everyone says this, but truly, thanks for sharing that. I've been struggling with the concept of when is an argument the normal course of a relationship, and when is is a flashing red light to run away?

Knowing that someone, with whom I so closely identify, is going through a similar situation in a marriage relationship really helps put it in perspective.

5:16 PM  
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What did he do, call you fat? I mean you have been putting on some weight.

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