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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Goiter

Not withstanding the baby post from a few weeks back, my husband and I are starting to plan for the day where we will pass on our clearly superior genetic makeup to the next generation. In short, we are planning on having a baby sometime in the near future.
In an amazing turnaround that has surprised the very forces of the universe and upset Karma itself, we broke from our usual fly by the seat of your pants tradition and actually decided to try and stay ahead of the curve on this one. Which means, I made a doctor's appointment in early January to make sure all systems were a go and I was physically healthy and ready to weild the awesome power of creating life. We decided to do a little preliminary preparation. Something about vitamins and not drinking...I'm not sure. I'm not sure because my doctor went compeletly batshit and decided to run all these crazy tests on me because of the excess poundage I have been sporting in the last few months. So we never actually got to the "we're getting ready to have a baby" talk. It went like this:

I walked into the doctor's office and the nurse weighed me. Apparently I have gained over 30 lbs in a little over 3 months. Ummm...yeah. Did I mention that I am five feet tall, and 30 lbs on my frame essentially means I roll from place to place now? Then I talk to the doctor:

Doctor: Didn't you think that this weight gain was not normal? Didn't you notice anything?
Me: Not really, I...
Doctor: Didn't your husband notice?
Me: (thinking if I could have possibly heard him right?) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Doctor: Ummmmm....(moving to another topic)

If he didn't cut me off I would have told him that I had noticed I gained weight, but I chalked it up to the newlywed weight gain people talk about. And I was concerned, but I just figured I start running and dieting after the holidays were over...Now let me say that my doctor is actually very nice. Clearly he made a mistake, and he was actually apologetic. And given my complete change in appearance, the question was fairly warranted. But I digress....
So he starts the examination and as he does he tells me it is likely my thyroid. Very common, not a big deal, easily correctable, no need to get upset...yadda yadda yadda...and by the way, I think you have a GOITER, so we're going to need to get an ultrasound of that to rule out anything dangerous like cancer.
Now what is important to know about me is that when I am stressed, I mean really stressed and scared, I manifest this by talking very fast, giggling uncontrollably and making stupid jokes. So I start on my nervous speil "A goiter? My great aunt Myrtle had a goiter" "I can't wait to tell my husband, a goiter is so attractive, I'm going to seduce him with my goiter tonight"...and on and on.
Approximately 3 minutes after telling me I have a goiter, this jackass takes my blood pressure and it is sky high. He expresses concern, and I reply "Dude, you just told me I have a goiter, do you think that it could be a wacked reading?" He agrees. Then he tells me that he felt that my heart rate was too high and wanted to give me an EKG. RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
So I am officially freaking out at this point. I had gone to the appointment by myself before work, just a casual doctor's visit to get some prenatal vitamins. Now I'm hooked up to an EKG and this guy wants me to go across the street to the hospital for an ultrasound immediately following my appointment. Oh, and by the way, we want to do some blood work before you leave too...
So I continue with my self effacing jokes and panicky fast talk. They do the EKG, they take the blood, and now he is telling me where to go for the ultrasound.

Doctor: Just go in the left entrance and up to the 4th floor....
Me: You know what? I can't. I can't go do this now. I need to talk to my husband. I need to talk to him before I do this. I can't do it now. Do I have to do this right now? I mean, I can't do this without at least telling my husband. He has no idea this is going on right now. I need to talk to him. Just let me talk to my husband tonight and I will call you back tomorrow, okay?
Doctor: I am concerned about the Goiter...
Me: Okay, stop saying Goiter. Stop calling it that. I am 30 years old. I do not have a Goiter. I mean, a Goiter? Please! My neighbor's 100 year old grandmother has a goiter. I do not have a goiter. Stop saying that.
Doctor: Okaaaaay....
Me: I just need a day here. This is all moving a little fast. I need to talk to my husband before I just up and get an ultrasound.
Doctor: Alright. You seem nervous. Why don't you tell me when the soonest you can do this will be, and we will set it up. Why don't we do it that way. It isn't invasive...
Me: Next Wednesday, I can do it next Wednesday before work(my mom was flying in that night and staying until Tuesday morning).

So I end up leaving in a whirlwind rush like the Road Runner. And then immediatlely upon leaving and getting out into the air, I, Newlywifed, who made a huge deal about having to talk to her husband about this, who insisted on speaking with her soul mate/life partner/man of my dreams/co borrower on the mortgage/reason for living, about this crazy diagnosis....dug through my purse frantically for my cell phone....

And called my sister in law, the nurse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg that is so funny. I have no idea what a goiter even is, but it sounded panicky to me, too!! I'm glad all is well.


12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

10 pounds in a week? Can I get me some of that if I don't have a thyroid imbalance?

1:42 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Wow, I'm bummed. I've never known anyone with a goiter, and I guess I still have to keep waiting! :)

Seriously, I'm glad you're fine, and that they discovered your thyroid imbalance. Now you're going to be that supermodel that we all long to be (well, with the exception of that height thing! )

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About the client issue, I guess when they handed me another such case, I might say, "I already had two of these this month" or "I'm already working on one right now" or something to indicate you're doing your part, and then suggest that someone else take it so you can work on other cases as well. I would mention that these cases take up a lot of your time and while you don't mind doing one now and again, you think you need to spread out the extra work across the firm so that it's more equally balanced. If that doesn't work, I say, like a colleague!!


9:45 AM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

I am so relieved you don't have a goiter. I can only imagine that I would have freaked out in a similar way (how shocking :) where do I get some of this magical lose-weight-in-one-week medicine?

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anne Glamore said...

Wow-- I don't blame you for getting worked up. I have several friends on the thyroid med, and once they get the dosage right they've been doing great!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Holy crap, you are hilarious. I'm officially bookmarking you on my favorites.

2:48 PM  
Blogger kari said...

this site was just passed along to me from a friend (see previous comment from jege) when i told her of my lazy, lazy thyroid. so far i've discovered in the past two weeks that the medication for my slovenly thyroid is akin to speed and not only makes me hyper but takes away my appetite. in short, hypothyroidism is the best diet EVER! (right up there with mono and the plague.)

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Blogger Peg said...

sigh- I just found you from a google search of the dreaded 'goiter' and hashimoto's (honestly I'm too ashamed to even mention my diagnosis to my family, since having a goiter seems very disturbing!) and you haven't posted in ages.. it's a shame- you're so funny. Just would like to know (and being too lazy to scour your blog for an update) of what became of this? Are you on medication? is it all fine? Did you lose the weight? Do you have any other symptoms? thanks in advance if you decide to answer me :)

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