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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I Stand Corrected

Does the "M" stand for marraige or mcdonalds? You decide.

So that last post? Yeah, I would like to qualify that. No sooner had I posted that than my husband got all crank ass on me and flipped out.

Now that I have been married for 8 months, I feel that I should offer my sage advice to all married women. Because, you know, I have clearly got it all together:

When you are starving, and you have a craving for Chicken McNuggets, and you tell your husband that you are starving and really feel like Chicken McNuggets...and he tells you that he will go get them for you in a way that suggests he would rather stick a pen in his eye...

don't feel guilty and play coy and say "Oh, its okay, you don't have to go if you don't want to." Only to keep mentioning that you really feel like the McNuggets, because you are waiting for him to either say "Yes, I will go get them" or "No, I will not go get them" thereby making a god damn decision...Until finally, he tells you what you are waiting for and makes a decision and says "I will go". And you think, he will go! Great! And you repeat how starving you are.

Only he doesn't listen, because instead of going, he gets on the computer and surfs the damn internet for 45 MINUTES! And FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER, when he finally strolls downstairs and you have already eaten your own hand because you are so hungry, you say "Forget it, don't go. I'm starving and by the time you get back, it will be 9:00" and everyone knows you can't eat Chicken McNuggets at 9:00 at night, because well...JESUS, the size of your ass has to have some boundaries...

Don't do that. Because he will, to your horror and amazement, GET MAD AT YOU and accuse you of not being clear about what you wanted. He will try and argue that he didn't know you wanted the McNuggets, OR that you were starving OR that you wanted him to go get them for you. HE WILL TRY AND SAY THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CLEAR WHEN YOU SAID "I REALLY FEEL LIKE MCNUGGETS AND I'M STARVING" because he will try and tell you he had no idea what you wanted...because it is you, not him, that is at fault for being so vague in the first place.

So ladies, when you tell your husbands that you want McNuggets, and he tells you he will get them for you, but you know he doesn't really want to...don't try and be nice and wait for him to make a decision about going, just say: I WOULD LIKE A SIX PIECE AND A SMALL FRY AND A DIET COKE, AND COULD YOU GO RIGHT THIS SECOND BEFORE I EAT MY OWN ARM BECAUSE I AM SO HUNGRY? THANKS HONEY."

I pray that women everywhere will hear this advice so that they may never have to experience the pains of hunger that I endured that night. Also, I hope that women everywhere will come to realize that as soon as you shout your love for your husband from the rooftops, Karma will knock on your front door, and when you answer will kick you in the ass.

So that last post? Yeah, consider it qualified.


Blogger Katrina said...

Awesome--you had me rolling on the floor at this one! I'd like to congratulate you for figuring this out in only eight months--it takes most of us much longer to stop expecting polite, implied communication to do the trick.


1:36 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

keep in mind, that when I want a six piece McNugget (which is in fact, never, but play along) there is no one to proclaim it to. It is either I get off my own big butt and go fetch, or I choose another option. So the idea of even having someone to do it for me, is a novel idea in and of itself.

I would try this next time, though. Try saying, "Hey, Darling Husband, wouldn't you just LLLLUUUUUUVVVV a Quarter Pounder right about now? (substitute whatever his favorite item is) and when you have him totally starving for his fav McD's delight, say, "oh, while you're there, can you get me a 6 piece nugget and a diet coke? Thanks, you're a doll."

2:22 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

So funny! My husband is the same way, which is why I am the food-getter in our household. He says he'll do it, but then I'll find him on the computer or watching the end of the game as my stomach threatens to implode from the inside. It's must simpler and faster to do it myself.

2:30 PM  
Blogger rebcram said...

Um... are you me? :) I SWEAR I have had this exact experience. Grrrr.

5:28 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

First of all, you really need to switch to the select strips... much better than a McNugget.

Second, the ad campaign by Carl's Jr., "Chickens don't have nuggets" is clearly the funniest thing of all time.

Third, this is a perfect example of selective hearing. When Mark doesn't want to do something, he suddenly MUST do laundry that very second, or... "Babe, just wait a minute, I really need to research purchasing a plane" (because clearly THAT is more emminant than killing the spider in the shower).

Thanks for keeping it real.

7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anne Glamore said...

I'll go ahead and save you some time and let you know that all males (children included) require explicit instructions, which is why so many mothers sound like drill sergeants. Or at least I do, but it works.

6:31 PM  
Blogger eM said...


Very good. I have done that too, and oddly enough, the husband reacts in the same way. What assholes!

I think there is something inherent in some women (perhaps due to the whole fear of being a psycho bitch--not that I've ever been called such a thing, or have I? okay, maybe a zillion times, but still...) where it feels that if you actually say, go get me some damned onion rings (or chicken nuggets)NOW! you'll get some weird freakish reaction. I think this is true, except for when dealing with our mates. Then you have to be crystal f'ing clear about exactly what you want. In some ways, it's easier than I thought it would be. Like sitting there trying to plot how I can get him to do things for me. Half the time, he just wants to be told anyway for fear of doing it wrong as we are both low blood sugar folks and if the wrong thing is said while the other is hungry, well, it gets ugly.

2:11 PM  
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