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Saturday, December 08, 2007

I am going to need references

We are the center of each other's universe. I gave this child life for the love of God! She was literally ripped from my body, where she seemingly wanted to stay for all of eternity, and she'll be damned if she is going to let a little thing like birth stand in the way of her being enveloped by me. And who am I to stop such unadulterated love? So I indulge her...and envelop away...

We spend our days swirling around each other, in constant contact. She naps in my arms. She only agrees to be put down if I am right there, talking to her, playing with her, engaging her. She will go to others and lets almost anyone hold her...she likes to be in a crowd but she likes to know I am around...And frankly, when she is out of my sight she isn't the only one uneasy, nervous, and probably a millisecond away from all out terror and panic, if you know what I am saying.

As long as we are together there is peace for both of us. She is a happy, content baby and I am a surprisingly laid back first time mom (you know, except for the part about not letting her out of my sight).

I am her mother, she is my child. We should be the center of eachother's universe...but to the exclusion of all else? I can see where this leads, and it isn't good. I can't go on job interviews with her when she is 22 years old...and I am pretty sure her first date should not have to pay for my popcorn too. Frankly, I don't even want to think about what the wedding night would be like. Although given the course we are on a wedding night would be highly unlikely.

What I am trying to say is: I think I am a smother mother (huge gasp)!

I know that I should leave her. For God's sake, I know I should at least put her down for five freaking minutes and walk away. I deserve to not have to sprint my way through every bathroom break don't I? And should be able to email Amy or Kid Kate without feeling like I am neglecting her. I know all this. It isn't healthy, and I fear it is about to get a whole lot worse...

I am going back to work on January 2nd. The clock is ticking and I feel like my world is starting to crumble slowly around me. I don't want to go back with such intensity that it shocks me. I love my job, I don't mind working, and I certainly never saw myself as the type that would want to be a stay at home mom. But I look at her and I think she is too little to leave, and there is no way my boss is going to let me keep her under my desk. A million fears hit me all at once and it is all I can do to stay on my feet. She won't be okay without me. Her grandmothers won't hold her all day like I do, they won't know how to soothe her like I do. THEY MAY EVEN PUT HER DOWN FOR A NAP! Or, God Forbid...let her cry!

(Hard to believe that I am somehow the best caretaker of the child right? I am surprised she didn't revolt against me...)

What I am saying is that I don't trust those two. What the hell do my mother and mother-in-law know about taking care of babies? I haven't received any references...and I suspect both may have criminal backgrounds that we don't know about. I mean, do we really know these women?

And it was that thought process, which I actually vocalized to my husband (honestly, the fact that he didn't take the child and run from his crazy wife is a testament to his love for me), that has me wondering if perhaps I am not being a little...ummmm...what's the word? INSANE?!?

There is a part of me that knows I need to put her down. That it is better for her if I leave her once in a while. But that part gets crushed in my ovewhelming fear of leaving her for 8-10 hours a day four days a week. I Think I am so attached to her because I know this time will end. It has to if we want to send her to college...or, you three meals a day...we just can't afford for me to stay home. It's a reality, but one that is making me so upset and crazy that I never want to leave the child, with anyone, EVER. And that simply isn't healthy. For either of us.

And I know there are other mothers who work out there. That their children still know who they are. They are working and are still the mommy, their children are still thriving...but I don't know them. I can't see them. They don't write blogs do they?

I need someone to tell me that they did it. That their 5 month old still loved them. That they remained the center of their baby's universe despite being away. And most importantly, that the baby remained content and happy. Because that is what I need to know.

Will she be okay? Okay without me?

And also, will either of her grandmothers listen to a God Damn instruction that I give? NO JUICE! I don't care if we drank it all damn day long...modern medicine has figured out a few things since you two had babies. I AM THE MOMMY NOW...YOU MUST LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!

Those two old grannies better get it together...can you yell at the help if you aren't paying them? And how amenable do you think they are to giving me a set of fingerprints for a background check?


Blogger Amy said...

You don't need anyone to tell you that their child still loved them despite their putting them down or leaving them in someone else's care while they worked. You don't need to hear from anyone about how to do it, or if it's okay, or if she'll survive (or if YOU will).

You just need to ask your husband.

And he will be there to help you do it, too.

9:14 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I went back to work when my first born was 6 months old. I loved to hold him, but had no qualms about putting him down for his naps - he started sleeping in his crib, in his own room at 6 weeks, so I don't have quite the same 'attachments' as you do. But, I can tell you that sending him off to daycare (gasp!!!) did wonders for my little guy. He is my outgoing-love to meet new people-not shy man, while my other 2 kiddos (who I treated exactly the same, by the way) were with me from day one. I did not go back to work, so they were never far from me on a daily basis - we did go out and leave them with a sitter, but it's a HUGE difference. Anyway, my younger 2 are very leary of strangers and are very anti-social, which can be a problem when they are meeting new family members or friends.

So, just look at this as a time of growing for the 2 of you. Her horizons will expand because of being around others that might do things a little differently. But, I guarantee you that when she falls down or doesn't feel good, she will always go looking for her mommy first :)

Hang in there! You'll both survive :)

1:25 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Thank you for the wonderful note on my blog :) Sometimes all we need is a little push and then reassurance that everything will turn out OK - trust God to care for little Katie and to guide you always in every decision you make regarding her!!! He loves her even more than you do, believe it or not!!!

12:47 PM  
Blogger KidKate said...

Ug. Going back to work sucks! I heard once to give yourself two weeks and it gets a lot better after that. At least you have the grannies to watch her and they won't be offended if you call them 20 times a day. Maybe they can even bring her to your office to meet you for lunch!

We started putting Ellie down between 7-8 b/c she is so grouchy at night. That's when I usually catch up on email (and my sanity!).

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Kate_NY said...

Step away from the baby! Ease back...gently.. and trust what everyone else above me has said. They are so right. :)

9:20 PM  
Blogger Marcy said...

When I was about 1-2 yrs old my mom and dad went on a 10-day trip for my uncle's wedding. I know mom hated being away from me and my sister and brother for that long, but it was to be her first time in years to go see her family (we were living in Chile at the time, her was family in the US).

When they came back, I apparently refused to acknowledge my mother, as if I'd forgotten her. I think it only lasted a few days, but I know those days were torture for my poor mom, who must've felt a whole world of guilt at leaving her daughter for so long that she'd been forgotten.

HOWEVER I still love my mom and think she did a fabulous job with all us kids. So, moral of the story: she won't remember you leaving her for work, she'll remember you being a wonderful mom that loves her to pieces. =)

(ps- I wonder if you'll be reading a similar post written by me in a few months time? lol)

10:44 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

Leaving my son is SO hard so I understand. I'm the one complaining that I can't shave my legs, or do anything to make myself pretty because he constantly wants to be near me,and I love it, but it's hard sometimes. He's sitting on my lap right now, because he can flip out of his bouncer now, and ya, they vibrate, why are they called bouncers? Anyway, I'm the same way. He's 7 months now, and I can't leave him full time. I'll go nuts. I am lucky enough to take him to work with me. I work maybe 15 hours a week, and still bring him with me...

7:32 PM  
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