I am going to need references
We are the center of each other's universe. I gave this child life for the love of God! She was literally ripped from my body, where she seemingly wanted to stay for all of eternity, and she'll be damned if she is going to let a little thing like birth stand in the way of her being enveloped by me. And who am I to stop such unadulterated love? So I indulge her...and envelop away...
We spend our days swirling around each other, in constant contact. She naps in my arms. She only agrees to be put down if I am right there, talking to her, playing with her, engaging her. She will go to others and lets almost anyone hold her...she likes to be in a crowd but she likes to know I am around...And frankly, when she is out of my sight she isn't the only one uneasy, nervous, and probably a millisecond away from all out terror and panic, if you know what I am saying.
As long as we are together there is peace for both of us. She is a happy, content baby and I am a surprisingly laid back first time mom (you know, except for the part about not letting her out of my sight).
I am her mother, she is my child. We should be the center of eachother's universe...but to the exclusion of all else? I can see where this leads, and it isn't good. I can't go on job interviews with her when she is 22 years old...and I am pretty sure her first date should not have to pay for my popcorn too. Frankly, I don't even want to think about what the wedding night would be like. Although given the course we are on a wedding night would be highly unlikely.
What I am trying to say is: I think I am a smother mother (huge gasp)!
I know that I should leave her. For God's sake, I know I should at least put her down for five freaking minutes and walk away. I deserve to not have to sprint my way through every bathroom break don't I? And should be able to email Amy or Kid Kate without feeling like I am neglecting her. I know all this. It isn't healthy, and I fear it is about to get a whole lot worse...
I am going back to work on January 2nd. The clock is ticking and I feel like my world is starting to crumble slowly around me. I don't want to go back with such intensity that it shocks me. I love my job, I don't mind working, and I certainly never saw myself as the type that would want to be a stay at home mom. But I look at her and I think she is too little to leave, and there is no way my boss is going to let me keep her under my desk. A million fears hit me all at once and it is all I can do to stay on my feet. She won't be okay without me. Her grandmothers won't hold her all day like I do, they won't know how to soothe her like I do. THEY MAY EVEN PUT HER DOWN FOR A NAP! Or, God Forbid...let her cry!
(Hard to believe that I am somehow the best caretaker of the child right? I am surprised she didn't revolt against me...)
What I am saying is that I don't trust those two. What the hell do my mother and mother-in-law know about taking care of babies? I haven't received any references...and I suspect both may have criminal backgrounds that we don't know about. I mean, do we really know these women?
And it was that thought process, which I actually vocalized to my husband (honestly, the fact that he didn't take the child and run from his crazy wife is a testament to his love for me), that has me wondering if perhaps I am not being a little...ummmm...what's the word? INSANE?!?
There is a part of me that knows I need to put her down. That it is better for her if I leave her once in a while. But that part gets crushed in my ovewhelming fear of leaving her for 8-10 hours a day four days a week. I Think I am so attached to her because I know this time will end. It has to if we want to send her to college...or, you know...eat three meals a day...we just can't afford for me to stay home. It's a reality, but one that is making me so upset and crazy that I never want to leave the child, with anyone, EVER. And that simply isn't healthy. For either of us.
And I know there are other mothers who work out there. That their children still know who they are. They are working and are still the mommy, their children are still thriving...but I don't know them. I can't see them. They don't write blogs do they?
I need someone to tell me that they did it. That their 5 month old still loved them. That they remained the center of their baby's universe despite being away. And most importantly, that the baby remained content and happy. Because that is what I need to know.
Will she be okay? Okay without me?
And also, will either of her grandmothers listen to a God Damn instruction that I give? NO JUICE! I don't care if we drank it all damn day long...modern medicine has figured out a few things since you two had babies. I AM THE MOMMY NOW...YOU MUST LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!
Those two old grannies better get it together...can you yell at the help if you aren't paying them? And how amenable do you think they are to giving me a set of fingerprints for a background check?