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Monday, December 10, 2007

3 Months (and I am aware I skipped Month 2, but in my defense, month 2 went by really, really quickly)

Dear Buddha,

In the last two months, Daddy and I have taken to calling you Buddha in light of the chubby legs and cheeks. I must say "Buddha Baby" a thousand times a day. And you have started responding to "Buddha" and different variations on it. This is worrisome and annoying to both of your grandmothers, but I am the mommy, and so I can do whatever I want when it comes to Boody Buddha Baby, it is.

In these past two months, the major change is really that we have eased into each other. I feel more like a mommy now with you, more sure of myself when it comes to keeping you alive day to day. And you have grown in the last two months in leaps and bounds. You are so chubby now, so filled out. And you started cooing and talking to us. Just in the last couple of weeks you have figured out how to grab things (which you immediately pull to your mouth). And you went from looking so much like me, to being the spitting image of your father. I see him in not only your face, but your demeanor. You sleep late and are slow to eat. You are so good natured and easy rarely cry or fuss outside of telling me you are hungry. You are your father's child.

The best part of the last two months is that you have learned I am your mommy. You prefer me to everyone else. You are good with others, and are an easy, good natured baby who loves to be held by anyone, but when it hits the fan, you look for me. I am the one who makes you feel safest and most calm, and you light up for me in a special way that no one else can really evoke. I can say that in my limited experience with motherhood, that is the best part. The closeness we share, even at this young age, is amazing to me, wonderous really. And fills me like nothing else I have ever done. So thanks for that Buddha...

You did go through a case of the "mommies" where you wouldn't go to anyone else but me for about a week. It was tough on me, but I think toughest on your daddy who was visibly hurt when you cried if he took you from me. They say all parents love their children, and I think each one thinks no one can love a child more than they do...but I can honestly say, I have never seen any parent as taken with a child as daddy is with you.

If daddy is home, he plays with you almost from the moment he comes in until it is time for you to go to sleep. He insists on changing all your diapers just so he can stare at your chubby little leggers. And he has a running commentary on how beautiful you are that I have to listen to for hours on end. He is smitten with you in a way that I have not seen him ever. Grammy and Papa Ooch notice it too. He really is over the moon.

He stopped to get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts on our way to the mall, and you were sleeping in the car seat. I waited in the car with you only to have daddy come out of the Dunkin Donuts 5 minutes later with the manager in tow who he forced to leave teh counter in order to come to our car and look at you. I am hoping, for your sake, that this adoration wears off...otherwise, you might have to take him to the prom.

You are happiest in the mornings and are all smiles when I look into your bassinett to get you. You wake up anywhere from 9-11, depending on how you slept, and then sometimes fall back asleep for a while after nursing. There are alot of days when we don't even make it out of the bedroom until noon. You love to laze around in bed playing with me in the morning and ease into the day. And I oblige you because it is my favorite part of the day...

This is in stark contrast to the nighttime, when we try to get you to sleep. You refuse to go to bed before 10, and rarely get to sleep before 11. Putting you down is a process that takes about an hour. I nurse you in bed, and you inevitably fall asleep only to awake when I put you down in the bassinett. And the crying ensues. The doctor told me to let you cry yourself to sleep and lean over to pat you only every 5 minutes. I never make it past 20 minutes of this, and on the rare occasion that I let you cry longer, it is clear that you are digging in your heels and will not stop until I stroke your head and sing you to sleep. It is difficult at night, and takes alot of work, but each morning when I peer in to your bassinett after hearing you start to coo, you give me a big smile and all is forgotten from the night before.

We play all day long together, you and me. I worry that I am doing you a disservice because I hold you all day long, even during your naps. I rarely put you down, and never put you down and walk away from you. I want to soak up as much time as I can with you before I go back to work...I know Grammy and Meme dissaprove of the constant holding, but I can't help it. We have such a connection you and is as if all is right with the world if only you are in my arms. I don't ever want to put you down.

But I know I have to let go a little. I fear that if I don't ease you into being separated from me a little more, the transition of my working will be hard on you. So I have left you twice in the past couple of weeks. Both times I returned to you crying. Both times, you stopped once I held you. And so the very thing that makes me not want to leave you again, is the very reason I really have isn't good to be so attached to me that you can not be happy without me. So I am starting to leave you with your grandmothers a little here and there. And I think you will get used to it...

But I don't know if I will. I don't know if we will ever have two months like these past two. Two months where we were together almost every minute...soaking each other up, breathing each other. I want to always be this close to you. But I know it wouldn't be healthy to continue on this way. And I have to go back to work anyway...but I will always remember these two months as the months I had you pretty much to myself.

There are moments in life that you remember always. I mean really remember. And those memories bring back the intense feelings that were coursing through you when they were made. When I think about the moment the church doors opened and I saw your father waiting for me at the end of the aisle on our wedding day, my heart stops and just the memory of it takes my breath away.

I will remember these two months that way. I will remember you staring into my eyes for an eternity while I sing you to sleep. Never looking away until finally your lids were to heavy to stay open...and it will take my breath away.

I love you more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow.

Love Mommy


Blogger Marcy said...

Beautiful. This is making me so look forward to the months ahead, and getting to meet our own little bundle of joy. =)

11:50 AM  
Blogger KidKate said...

Wow, I am crying. I'm so sorry you have to go back to work this soon. But you seem healthy and OK about it and therefore she will be healthy and OK about it. It's so sweet that you sing her to sleep every night!

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

Crying as well. I found your blog before your little one arrived, and I've been following it ever since. Love it, your writing is fantastic and everything is heartfelt. Great great blog

8:16 PM  
Blogger Gervy said...

I laughed AND cried at the bit about the Dunkin Donuts manager...

4:47 PM  

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