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Monday, January 09, 2006

Pre Cana

Before we were allowed to get married in the Catholic Church, we had to go through Pre Cana, which I believe is latin for "completely useless and irrelevant torture session directed by couples who share way too much information." You could go every week for six weeks or for a single weekend, all weekend. We elected to do the weekend.

We will never know if we made the right decision, but I can say that it pushed me to the emotional brink of where no human should have to go. I can only imagine that the Marine Corps toture resistance training includes a weekend for all soldiers to endure this. Because, by God, if you can endure Pre Cana, you can endure almost anything.

In defense of Pre Cana, we were predisposed to misery. I was in the throes of the flu and a 103 degree fever. My husband was just getting over it. I don't remember the last time I was that sick. More importantly, we waited too long to sign up so were attending the last class offered before our wedding date...over 2 hours away from where we lived, in hicksville. We planned to just white knuckle our way through...just live through it...How bad could it be right?

Oh. My. God. (no pun intended).

First, we left right from work. We were told that if you were late, you may not receive credit, and we needed to get credit, so we drove down there at break neck speeds, defying all laws of traffic, safety and common decency. We raced into the High School Gymnasium still dressed in our work suits, to join the cast of Deliverance who were apparently taking the class with us. Silence befell the room as they all turned to look at the "big city couple". Not to mention that at 29 and 32, we were the oldest couple there in a noticeable way.

Super. Great First Impression.

We settled into our seats, and I unpacked my Halls cough drops, DayQuill, Kleenex, orange juice and various other cold medications...then I promptly started crying and clinging to my husband. I had a fever, I wasn't feeling well, and I am not good in situations where I don't know another soul but am expected to interact with them on a personal level. My husband, after a long week at work, and equally stressed out over the likeness the other couples had to the cast of Deliverance, was not particularly comforting at that point. Things were about to get worse....

We were told up front how this would all go down. There were four married couples running this workshop and each would give a presentation on a topic relevant to marraige. Following each presentation, the men and women would split up and each person would sit alone and fill out a worksheet relating to the presentation topic. You would then find your partner go through the form with him or her. Then we would go to discussion groups, made up of 5 couples each, to talk in greater detail about the topic.

Over My Dead Body.

So the first married couple goes. Their topic is communication in conflict. Fine. We listen as they divulge to a room of 100 engaged strangers their most intimate conflicts and the way they choose to handle them through communication. Apparently Tim is insecure over Pam making more money. Also, Pam is extremely fat, which if you ask me, is part of Tim's problem. Pam doesn't like that Tim's sex drive has faded after the kids. Which I feel bolsters my 'Pam's weight' theory even futher.

I don't like that Pam is telling me anything about Tim's sex drive. But how do I communicate this in a Christian way?

Finally the madness stops, my ears cease to bleed, and we break up into separate rooms. This means that I have to unglue myself from my husband in my needy, fever induced haze. I am not ok with this but he simply prys me loose and walks away. While I would die rather than be separated in this situation, he appears not to want to pick this battle with the organizers. Fine. I slump off to a classroom and fill out the form. If by filling out the form you mean writing 'I hate Pre Cana' over and over.

Here is where it gets freaky. Stay with me people. We get back together, and my husband attempts to console me from my obvious state of trauma...but less than 5 minutes later, we are off to our 'discussion group'. Here is our group:

Couple #1 is in their very early 20's and has been dating for a scant 2 years. When asked if there are any boundaries they have set when communicating during an argument, she informs us that they have a rule prohibiting her from throwing things at his head. Not a rule prohibiting her from throwing things...no, she is allowed to throw things, I mean COME ON, a girl's gotta express herself! She just can't throw things at his head. Also, during the workshop on Children, she starts crying for no apparent reason and runs from the room. They never return...I wonder silently if they still get credit (I can cry just as easily as the next guy if that's what it takes).

Couple #2 is large. I mean tall and just big in general. They too are in their early 20's. They grew up living next door to eachother their entire lives. He has loved her since she was 5. This would make a great movie with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Sadly these two look more like Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold and it is creepy rather than sweet. Later he will yell out "hell yeah" when asked if sex is a main priority in a marital relationship.

Couple #3 is actually closer to our age at 26 and 27. We actually like couple #3 until in a later discussion group, he tells everyone that his family is dysfunctional, he was abused by his parents and fears having children of his own. He stops short of telling us that he cries during sex, but barely. Following this way too personal revelation, we get trapped sitting with them during an extremely awkward lunch break.

Couple #4. I have saved the best for last. Couple #4 is as out of place as we are, but in the opposite direction. They are straight outta Compton yo. She is wearing a velour track suit a la Kevin Federline, and he is wearing a Rock-a-wear track suit. She is at leat 400lbs, and he is a buck twenty five soaking wet with bricks in each hand. They have two kids already and just want to make it legal before the third arrives. Why they felt the need to come to Pre Cana is beyond me, but I respect it. Good for them showing up to a class where people specifically advise couples not to have premarital sex, not to live the way they do. They held their heads high, and were unapologetic. I actually dug them.

Then he referred to marital intimacy as "tappin' that ass". I still respected them coming though. Way to stand up to the man.

Then there was us. I have mentioned before that I am uncomfortable talking about intimate details in front of other people. I am prudish, and there are definitely things I don't think it's right to share with others. My thoughts on intimacy in the marrital relationship and our personal philosophy on children, or our private conflict as a couple are not something I would talk about to my friends, let alone complete strangers.

So I did the only thing I could think of. I insisted that my husband and I not speak in these discussion groups. That's right, when the moderator of our group was going from couple to couple asking each discussion question, I told my husband not to make eye contact and just wait him out...he would surely get the hint and move on to the next couple.

The first discussion group went fine. The moderator got the hint and moved on fairly quickly. The second group required me to give the moderator a slight head shake, but she moved on relatively painlessly.

Then the there was the third group where I was locked in a battle of wills with this crotchety old guy moderator. We just locked eyes and stared at eachother. Clearly he didn't know who he was dealing with. I was not going to blink. I would not be bullied or embarrassed into answering a highly personal question. We literally sat looking at eachother in silence for over 60 seconds. I was attempting to communicate to him that hell would freeze over before I told a group of strangers the manner in which my parents showed love to me as a child. Just when he was about to move on...

My husband broke. He hadn't been comfortable with my approach all day. he was weary of not participating in the groups to begin with. He doesn't like conflict and didn't want to rock the Pre Cana boat from the beginning. But I was adamant, and there was no telling what I would do in my state of fever induced delirium, so he went along. Until the last discussion group.

All of a sudden I heard him say "her parents are very affectionate, my parents are less outwardly affectionate." As quickly as he had started, he was done and we were on to the next couple.

I sat there, mouth agape, face burning from the fever and embarrassment...I could feel the anger rise like a wave from my feet up to my cheeks. I think steam may have actually come out of my ears. I could feel everyone's eyes on me, nervous, surprised looks. I did not look at my husband. I just stared at the moderator, daring him to smirk. Even he looked concerned for my husband.

I have felt God's presence clearly on two occassions in my life. One was in that room, when right at the moment I dared make eye contact with my husband the bell rang, signifying the completion of the last discussion group and therefore the completion of Pre Cana. That bell rang out pure and clear and in that instant, I do believe my fever peaked and I was simply too tired and sick to kill him.

I was deathly ill in bed for two days after that, and he took care of me...My anger faded, replaced with love. Lucky for him, God sent him a Mirical at just the right time.

116 Comments:

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

This is classic. My friends had similar Pre Cana stories (did you have to answer about a million questions about your philosophies and about everyday life?), but it sounds like your cast of Deliverance takes the cake. Good for you for surviving!

6:01 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

So so SO funny! I really can't wait to tap that ass and not throw stuff at my husband's head. Marriage sounds like so much fun.

7:12 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

My sis and husband went through something similar, but just them with the pastor. When asked how many kids they wanted, he said 5, she said none. The pastor didn't think they should get married! I, didn't go through such a thing, but looking back, maybe that would have helped us to find out he was gay BEFORE we got married?! lol j/k

Sounds like hell, though!

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You crack me up. I just stumbled upon your blog and the parallels between us were abundant... right down to the hideous pre-cana and the hatred for the 'PO (home depot).

7:57 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

That is so funny. I love your descriptions of all of the couples. What a hoot! Because I was divorced, my current husband and I didn't have to deal with all of that, because we couldn't get married in the Catholic church. I'm kinda sad I missed all the excitement!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a great storyteller. Our Pre-Cana was similiar, except that I got permission to leave for two hours because I had to sing at my church for a special occasion. My poor, Methodist, husband was forced to stay and particpate BY HIMSELF. When he didn't call of the marriage after I made him go through that, I knew we'd be together forever. :)

2:21 PM  
Blogger Newlywife said...

The prize goes to Anonymous with the Methodist Husband going it solo. Sweet Mother of God!

That man loves you...

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Anne Glamore said...

THAT was a hilarious story! I'm NOT letting my husband read it or he'll never quit saying "I wish I was tappin that ass!" I can see him loving that expression!!

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you and your husband have a different way of communicating. Good for him to talk and not buckle to you. Why did he have to follow what you wanted anyway? I wonder what the other couples where thinking about you and your husband. Oftentimes when people judge, they aren't facing their own issues, which is what I believe pre-marital counseling is all about....uncovering things and working on one's own relationship. Good luck to both you and your husband.

12:53 PM  
Blogger rebcram said...

It's a miracle that you ended up married after that experience! That was a super funny post.

1:28 PM  
Blogger This Girl I Used to Know said...

Indeed, there are times when I am soooo grateful for my status as a "lapsed Catholic". This is one of them.

2:25 PM  
Anonymous reluctant housewife said...

Wow. You've brought back so many memories of Pre Cana. But at least you had a funny cast of characters. We just had a bunch of overeducated Bostonians trying to out do each other for the "sensitive and caring couple" award.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

I had never heard of Pre Cana before reading this (I'm not Catholic), but I'm embarrassed to admit that it sounds like the kind of thing I'd probably enjoy. I'm a notorious over-sharer...probably the hideous side effect of being a therapist's daughter.

Awesome story-telling, though. You guys made it through the gauntlet! Woot!

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy, I feel sorry for your husband! You browbeat him so he can't feel free to talk. I think you won't talk because you know you have control issues. They are too hard to face so you make it out to be everyone else's problem. You endured the whole Pre-Cana and entirely missed the point.

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I have been looking at pre cana crap for hours, and have been reading story after miserable story regarding it. Then, I came across yours. All I can say is think you ! I was almost in tears from the laughter after all reading was done. I like you are very private, and just had the conversation with my wife to be, regarding this class. YES we, like the "tappin dat ass" couple have living together for 5 years. With my views on the church, I just don't see this going well at ALL ! But hey, I will suck it up, try and keep my mouth shut, and get through it. I already voiced that nothing about me is to be discussed, unless it me discussing. She is already pissed. LOL, such is life. Either was, I am glad to see that someone who has similar views on the privacy thing lived through it, and still managed to keep a great sence of humor about it. Thanks for posting that story ! It was a great read !

10:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went and it was brutal!!! I mean just god awful!!! The people giving the classes were so out of touch.

5:16 PM  
Anonymous honey said...

OH MY GOSH!!! I am STILL cracking up after reading your blog! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

I'm actually Catholic and doing research on what this Pre-Cana thing is...and my goodness...it sounds like a riot!

Thank you

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe your diocese just has a bad program. My fiance and I arent religious but we really enjoyed our pre-cana weekend and found it to be really useful and rewarding.

However, I can say I'm really glad that we didn't have any group discussions!!

12:11 AM  
Anonymous Guilt it's in my blood said...

My husband and I had a very horrible experience with our pre cana as well. Being the wonderful man he is he agreed to go even though he's a proud and adamant lapsed catholic, and to go through my family's church instead of his own.

My church had three options, six meetings over six weeks, everyday for an hour a week, or one big sleep in with the pastor and other couples in the church's reckhall where we'd stay up all night and have fun and tell all our most private things to a bunch of my nearest and dearest friends.

Or so I thought. As fate would have it only one couple in the big sleep was from my church, the rest had jumped ship from brooklyn to come and do theres on the island.

This my husband was happy about, despite any brooklyn queens rivalry there may or may not be, he was just happy that we wouldn't be surrounded by people anything like my parents.

A little backstory on my husband. He was expelled from two different catholic schools (one of which had never expelled a student before) for arguing with the teachers, administrators, and priests, and fighting. He made his first adult decision at his first communion by starring his priest dead in the eyes and scream f*ck you. Apparently he and the father had something a brutal and violent past.

But despite all this I love him very much and he's a wonderful man. So he decided to come and do the pre-cana so we could be wed through my church.

A half an hour in we were split up. Some priest had a brilliant idea to interview the men and women separately to get unbiased answers.

And they brought in a special priest for the men to talk to on a manly level. God decided to make it the same priest my husband had screamed at. Not surprisingly, the priest remembered him.

I found this out at noon the next day when we were released. I had just suffered through the most disgusting conversations with some of the most disgusting horrible people on earth, many of whom referred to the Sister leading us as bitch. But it's all fine now that we're done. Then the priest from the mens side comes and gets me and says he needs me right away.

I fear the worst, assault, murder, suicide, but what happened was worse, and to every catholic (lapsed or active) I've met, hilarious and classic. I was lead into the cathedral where my husband was kneeling before our lord praying, this was surreal, I took a seat and watched as my husband was baptised, confessed his sins, took the host, and was brought lovingly back into the arms of God. The I watched him stand, and with a smile on his face. Scream his favorite phrase right in the face the priest.

The priest was shocked for a moment, mine nearly had a heart attack. But my husbands former father smirked and walked down the isle pausing by me.

"Do you really love him?" He asked, I nodded, mouth agape, and he smiled. "Then you mine, the churches, and surely god's blessing." He said.

We were married in june of 1996 at the age of 24 and 24 respectively (we'd been together since we were fourteen) and with the exception of our daughters baptism and first communion, I don't think he's stepped in a church once since that day.

My mother and the father love to joke about how our love will last a lifetime, and only one since he'll be in hell. I let them laugh, a lifetime with my husband is enough to keep me happy forever.

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These stories are so funny...

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the most funniest thing I have ever read! And I think now i may just get marrired outside somewhere. i don't know if I can go thrue with something that sounds like a drug!

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have no idea how this story made my day. Clever writing.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

This is O.L.D. (2006) but I cannot resist adding my two cents:

Frankly, you seem extremely judgmental. And while I respect that you may have a private nature, that doesn't mean your husband must also be as private. Honestly, I am not Catholic, will never go to Pre Cana (or anything like it), but I have taken part in group conversations and the biggest point is to just participate.
What kind of marriage is that? One where one partner is censored by the other?
I am left with a disgusting taste in my mouth.

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Judgmental, and extremely controlling and uptight. Way to judge others without trying to see where they are coming from.

8:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I can't even finish reading your blog. you sound like a miserable person.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a cunt
god bless

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this was the funniest thing ever me and my fiance cried we were laughing so hard...we are looking to find a pre cana class as quick and painless as possible...

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To all of you people "judging" the OP ... grow up and shut the fuck up. You judge her for judging others ... doesn't that sound a whee bit contradictory?

As far as Pre Cana goes ... yeah ... I have to do that this weekend, not looking forward to it at all. I don't want my personal "business" aired in front of people.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you're one of the rare lucky ones who gets engaging, funny, helpful, hip couples (under, say, 60 years old) to lead their Pre-Cana group, you probably don't need to read further.
But for the rest of us, it seems Pre Cana sessions can be sometimes bizarre and painful, but usually just deadly boring. (Maybe I'm biased and the combination of the "small group" setting and talking about "relational" things hits the snooze button in my male brain...)
Anyhow, this won't necessarily save you from the unavoidable effort of paying attention, but there's a couple of short videos just out that ease the pain. One of them sums up the essentials of what you need to know about Catholic marriage in general, and the other covers the notorious but mandatory issue of "natural family planning". Here's the thing: these videos actually keep your attention, are new, well-made, entertaining, pack in the necessary info, and style-wise are much more like something on The History Channel than a cheesy home movie from the early 1980s.
The one on Catholic marriage, "When Two Become One", has this hilarious and extremely articulate priest. Msgr. Jim Lisante, very "New York", who explains all the essential things about a Catholic marriage in a realistic and honest way, and shows what makes the church wedding so special. And there are four couples as well at different stages - engaged, newly weds, married with children, and a couple married over 60 years (they're really down-to-earth - talk about hard-won wisdom), who talk about what it's like to actually live day to day what Lisante is talking about. It's around 25 minutes long. They have an online trailer and info: https://www.drvc-faith.org/marriageDvdOffering.html
The NFP video, "Plan Your Family Naturally", is a tougher topic that almost no one wants to talk/hear about, but it's presented in an upbeat, non-judgmental way by this doctor and her husband, and two other couples that makes even the most skeptical of us at least want to try it out (for the health benefits alone - they say you can find pamphlets on it at health food stores now...) Anyhow, the main thing is that it explains the basics and lays everything out on the table in a way that's not preachy or naive and let's you make your own decision. Turns out there's all kinds of side-benefits, as opposed to the possible nasty side-effects of artificial hormonal contraception. And it includes all the scientific advances that make it 99% effective and have left the old "rhythm method" wayyy behind. The info and trailer are here: https://www.drvc-faith.org/nfpDvdOffering.html
Anyhow, just wanted to pass this along. Happy marriage prepping.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It must be nice to be better than every other person on the face of the planet..

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever think that maybe that woman who left the room crying might be having a hard time struggling with an abortion? or that she had a miscarriage? or that she actually had a child die? Congratulations, your funny. But you have no right to talk about people like that.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

may be Pre Canas should look into confidentiality agreements

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is frickin hilarious! my fiance and i are in the throws of pre cana now and were both TOTALLY on the same page as you as far as NOT wanting to share your sexual expectations in marriage with our 75 year old priest. unfortunately we chose the 6 week program or we'd be done by now. the only saving grace is we are with another couple who we are friends with and are the same ages as us (20-21).

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10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How sad for you...

You were so close-minded that you missed the purpose of Pre-Cana entirely which is to bring up issues that might be uncomfortable to talk about in order to see if you are making the right choice.

Pre-Cana is to reassure you that you have made the right choice or it will set off the bell that maybe you need to re-think this step with this person and the Church is very supportive of that decision because better to realize that before you get married.

There is no judgement. There is no recommendation to the Pastor of who should or should not get married. The purpose is to complete the session and hopefully it will bring you both to a point where you can talk freely between each other without being uncomfortable because after all...this is your life mate right? Your equal, your partner? Not the one you control with glaring looks to keep quiet and sit still.

I pray that there is more substance in your character and that your husband sees more in you than what you wrote.

Not cool...at all!

9:27 AM  
Blogger muneca51 said...

Seriously, I'm sitting at work fighting the urge to crack up hysterically. I was googling "how to get out of pre cana" and stumbled on your post, and actually feel better now. Just to know that I'm not alone in my total and utter DREAD for these seminars.

We have one in a month on a Saturday at 12:30 for like 6 hours and then another on a Saturday starting at 8:30am about "Theology of the Body". Just kill me now. I have to do this for my strict mother, and drag along my Greek Orthodox fiance because of this as well... placing more guilt on myself for being the one to introduce this nonsense into the already stressful wedding preparations.

I'm just looking forward to getting it over with. Thanks for sharing your story and helping me to have more of a sense of humor about it. Because without being able to laugh at this BS, I think I'd die. Best of luck, girl!

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, what a very narrow minded person you are. My husband and I had pre-cana, one of the most moving experiences I had, we still live by it everyday. We had one couple who taught us in particular, their stories moved us to tears, she was saying they had an anniversary and parties, after each party they would havea peanut butter and jelly sandwich he always gave her the heel, she finally asked why do you always give me the heel bread, he said because that's my favorite part, aw we were all bawling our eyes out; you missed the whole experience because you were so closed off to begin with. there were so many life lessons we had learned, such as not cursing at each other, keep the Lord in your union, never make fun of your spouses body parts but love all of him, never do or say anything to make your spouse uncomfortable... I think beause you were so paranoid at not sharing you could not receive the whole full-on experience, your husband obviously wanted to participate, sad, very very sad for you; in addition, you were very judgmental towards all the other couples,at least they participated, very sad indeed, sounds like you are a typical uppity urban couple feeling above it all; I can tell how you interact with your hubby, you probably need pre-cana even more!

12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pre-Cana is nothing but a fu*king joke. One couple who had our class was convicted of pandering obscenties to minors just 3 months after telling us their story of love and their loving children. Are you kidding me? Most of those involved in these are just marriage counselor wanna-bees. Us and another couple went drinking after each session and laughed our asses off. It is one of the worst forms of torture I have ever been through.

I would rather have had hemorrhoid surgery without any anesthetic by a first year intern then go to this class again.

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