I am not good with Change. I cried every. single. day. my freshman year of college and was so homesick that I took the next year off. I eventually went back, and was fine. But when it came time for lawschool, I just continued on at the same University and lived with a roommate from college. I would say that I am worse than average with change. I am a change crier.
So me and change...yeah, not so much. It's always been hard, but what are you going to do? It's inevitable right?
When I changed jobs the last time, I cried for two months that I hated it. Eventually, I realized that I didn't hate it, I hated the newness of it. So this time around I promised myself to keep in perspective that even though starting a new job is tough, it's just the starting part that sucks. To that end, on Tuesday I began my new adventure.
And the tears, they wanted to come, but I held them back. On day one, minute 5, I was told that my secretary resigned. Okaaaaaaayyyy...I can deal with it. They'll get me another secretary. No biggie. Then the person in charge of orienting me to the computer and various timekeeping/billing programs had no idea how to do any of it because "I'm not an attorney". So I was floundering around while people were giving me new assignments because I couldn't even log onto the computer. All little administrative things that are hard at any job. Figuring out where the bathroom is, finding the printer, learning to work the copy machine. Everyone's been there.
And I kept the tears at bay.
On Tuesday, the managing partner sent around an email informing everyone that they were throwing me a "welcome" lunch at an upscale Irish Pub in the city. The email said "Please join us in welcoming Newlywife to the firm! We will be celebrating at Irish Pub on Friday at 12:00 sharp!" First, oh shit, holy crap. I am not good in groups. As outgoing and totally chatty as I am, in groups I am shy's twin sister. I clam up. I hate it. So the lunch was not really my idea of fun. But true to my promise, I was going to really make an effort not to let the newness of the job get to me, and to be open...force myself not to be shy...and get to know these people.
Tears, still sealed back.
Friday 12:00 - I am in my office. I see a few associate attorneys walk by. I make eye contact. They don't say anything. Alright. I check the email again...no, no, I have the right day and time. Well, often with a big group, by the time you get everyone together, it takes a while so...I'll just wait for someone to stop by.
Friday 12:02 - Email managing partner letting her know I am ready whenever, just buzz me.
Friday 12:06 - No email, no one has come to get me.
Friday 12:10 - Take a loop around office and don't really see attorneys around.
Friday 12:12 - Get back to my office and start to panic. What if no one shows up to my lunch, what if no one is going? What if they all forgot?!!!
Friday 12:12 and 30 seconds - Check email to see if managing partner has returned my email.
Friday 12:15 - Still winning the battle with the tears. The sweat however, is an entirely different story.
Friday 12:25 - My office phone rings. It is the managing partner asking where I am. They are all there and waiting for me.
Friday 12:26 - Officially give up my crying pledge and begin to cry.
Friday 12:27 - Immediately stop crying because, Oh my God, they are all waiting for me and I have to RUN FIVE BLOCKS TO THE PUB! IN HEELS!
What the Fuck (pardon the language but clearly I am really uspet and frankly I think it deserves an F-bomb, but I digress)?
So just so we all have this straight, myself included, these people organized a lunch for me, and then no one stopped by my office to get me when they were leaving for it? They all walked there together, and waited for 25 minutes before calling me because they thought I would meander over myself? What the FUCK?
And when I got there, they acted annoyed that I had kept them waiting. No one apologized for not getting me, they just kept asking "didn't you get the email?"
All bets were off. No more trying to fight it. I sat there, not speaking, completely mortified and trying to hold back from crying. I probably said two words the entire lunch. No one seemed to notice anyway. Then they all got their food. AND I HADN'T EVEN ORDERED YET.
Apparently while waiting they all ordered and told the waitress not to put in the order until I got there. When I got there, someone signaled her to put it in. But no one said anything to me, so I just assumed that the waitress would come and take my order IN THE NORMAL COURSE OF BUSINESS WHEN SHE TAKES EVERYONE ELSES...you know, not being privy to the pre-order and all...
When the waitress brought out the food, I was in a wild panic. Seriously on the verge of hysteria. And I swear to you, when our eyes met, she instantly understood everything I was going through. It was like she knew the situation entirely. And she leaned in to me and said "I can have a Ceasar Salad ready in 30 seconds, don't worry" and I nodded fine, because if I uttered a single word, the thread holding me together at that point would have snapped and I would have lost what little composure I had going on.
When everyone finished their lunch, we headed back. I walked alone. Which, to be honest was for the best anyway because as soon as I got back, I shut my door and began to cry. What kind of people organize a lunch for me and forget to bring me? Then, instead of apologize, they make me feel like I should have just met them there! Why would I meet people somewhere 5 blocks away instead of in the lobby of the office we all work in? Is it me?
P.S. It all worked out. I think the managing partner got back and saw my email from 12:02 and realized that the mistake was not mine. Truth be told, I think she always knew the mistake was not mine. But whatever, she apologized as I was leaving. Really, it was all just a big misunderstanding. Nothing fatal to the job, just...well, just really sucky right now.
Often on days that are hard, I get myself through by telling myself "you just need to get home...just make it a few more hours and you will be home." I like my home, but the actual house is not what I am talking about. I need to get home, not to my house, but to my husband. My husband is my home, and he makes me instantly calm. He makes things okay, and the horrible day melts away as soon as he hugs me. And he always hugs me right when he sees me. So needless to say, tonight, I ran home, to my husband.
Who was promptly late because he was futzing around the office while unbeknownst to him I was hysterically crying and waiting for the hug. He gave it to me when he got home.