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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Staying Positive

There is alot going on right now. I mean aside from the human being inside my body. Except nothing is ever "aside" from the baby inside is it? I feel like everything that I do, or eat, or feel, or think has an impact on this little person (who, did I mention, is INSIDE MY BODY? And also, did I mention, HOLY CRAP, a PERSON is living inside my body? Not that it freaks me out or anything).

There is something personal going on for me right now. And it permeates every. single. part. of my life. What started out as a situation that upset me about a month and a half ago, has grown into something so huge, that I feel sick about it every day. I don't sleep well, and sometimes I lose my appetite. I don't know if it will ever resolve itself. It doesn't seem like it is going to at this point, but then again, these things always feel like they won't ever resolve and they almost always seem to. But this single issue has made me so sad, for so long, that I can't imagine myself ever really getting over it. And I suppose it is the fact that I may not ever get over it that makes me so sad in the first place.

What specifically is wrong is irrelevant for the baby. I am worried that this little person will somehow sense that something is wrong, that the world is somehow not happy, and in turn will feel a sense of unease. I want this child to feel comfortable, and loved and protected. I don't think a baby should know "unease" or sadness or worry. I never did. What if my constant state of upset and sadness affects the baby, even as it is inside me? I can't help feeling that you can't hide things like this from your children, that they pick up more than we think. What if that starts when the baby is inside you?

And this thought only makes the whole situation worse. So much worse.

I was a happy kid. I was never anxious or worried. I didn't fret over things and never really was overly sensitive. I think because my parents were happy, and never let themselves get too anxious or worried or angry. I was raised to be confident and happy because my parents were confident and happy. I want that to be the case with my child.

My husband is easygoing. He laughs easily and is openly affectionate. He rarely gets angry. We have alot of fun together. Our house is very happy. In general we are both positive people. And I want my child to be like that.

But lately, this problem I am having is such a negative force. And I worry that the negativity impacts the baby. I have to think it does. And GOD, that kills me. I haven't even really started yet, and already I am failing at this motherhood thing. Failing at protecting this baby from the strain of something so upsetting and stressful.

So in the spirit of motherhood, what else can I do except pull it together? My mom would have.


Blogger Amy said...

I wrote this really long comment, and then decided to just shorten it to this:

We do not teach our children to be confident, happy adults by sheltering them from pain and sorrow. We teach them to be confident and positive about their lives by showing them the place in their life for sorrow and pain and giving them the tools necessary to deal with those realities. To hide pain and suffering from our children would not prepare them for the world, to demonstrate how to deal with them will allow them to move through their lives with the confidence that they can handle anything.

10:48 AM  
Blogger Newlywife said...

I agree with you when it comes to children. I just think that babies and toddlers should not really ever have to feel genuine worry or sadness over something serious and adult. You are only young and innocent for a short time!

But I do agree with you that children should be exposed to disappointments and life's tragedies so that they can learn to handle sadness and frustration.

As always, you make a good point!

11:24 AM  
Anonymous KidKate said...

I came back to comment on your last post (I totally recommend maternity tights!) but lo and behold, you had already posted again!

I would not worry too much about the effects on the baby. Nine months of pregnancy is a long time and during that time, you're bound to go through a range of emotions--about the pregnancy and otherwise (such as the case with you). What's important is that this child was anticipated, wanted, and very much loved, and that's what he/she will "sense" there inside you. It's no fun going through tough times, but you and the kid will weather it together! And maybe the pregnancy will help to give you some hope about the future (when the hormones aren't getting the better of you, of course!).

I hope that wasn't too sappy, but I seriously meant every word. Hang in there.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Ok- I have never baked a baby but here are some things that I have witnessed:

1- A friend of mine's older sister got preggers in college. She was a wild one. She did not know she was pregnant until about 4 months in. During that time she drank, smoked everything & did coke. She has a healthy, smart, amazing little one who is excelling in 1st grade.

2- Kids have selective memories. For the most part until a certain age most of us wear rose colored glasses. I remember my mom being upset 1 time before I was 8. I know for a fact that she must've been upset more often than that but all I can remember is a happy, laughing childhood.

3-I understand about sadness that consumes you-- but just remember for as sad and for all of the energy that it is taking from you-- you still have that little person growing inside of you-- who I am sure makes you smile and a husband who loves you and makes you laugh. So, for all of that sad moments you are worried about-- I bet you still have a really happy womb.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

What Amy and the rest said.

Whatever is eating you will eat you more if you think about how much it's eating you AND the little one inside. I hope you have someone to talk to about whatever it is and that you can find hope that it WILL resolve.

Hang in there!!

4:24 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Okay, I guess I'm the only really inappropriately nosy person who wants to know what the thing is that is bothering you so I can comment on THAT, but I totally understand and respect the fact that not everything stands up to being written down in black and white for all the blogging world to see, so I'll just say ditto to all the fabulously wise and encouraging comments you have gotten so far, because they far exceed, in both wisdom and comfort, anything I would have said myself if I was the first commenter, except for this: if I haven't wrecked my kids yet, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Wow, was that really all one sentence? My composition teacher would have a cow.

1:56 AM  
Blogger SneakyPeek said...

I'm with Katrina, why not put it out there.

Sometimes typing it out puts it in perspective and could take away some of the hold it has on you right now.

Whatever it is, you already are giving it too much power.

Take it back.

Your baby will be just fine. They are resiliant. Honest.

11:26 PM  
Blogger Josefina said...

I think it's a lot about hormones, really, it sounds very "cliche", but I've started to believe hormones have a lot to do (that famous "linea nigra" is the most evident sign that hormones can really do things to us!)...I remember one of the "what to expect when you're expecting" newsletters, had a title that was something related to a roller coaster, and there it said you could be happy one minute and sad the other or angry or scared or whatever. At least it helped me a lot to understand that I can feel uneasy sometimes and it's perfectly normal!!!
And I'm sure when your baby is born, you and your husband will give him all that confidence and everything he needs to be happy, I'm SURE!! You can think he will at the most sense 6-7 months of "uneasiness", but then, at least 18 years of happiness and unanxiety and confident! so those 18 "good" year will surely influence him more!!
Good luck!!!!

5:32 PM  

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