free web hit counter

Monday, February 11, 2008



Sweet little Buddha, you are getting so big. Too big. Please stop. Thanks.

Okay, okay. I know you can't stop growing, but this month you just started becoming a little person with a personality all your own. It's wonderful, but I fear you are growing up too fast. And you do stuff. I mean totally do stuff-on your own. Not like "take the car and go shopping" stuff, but "sit in the jumper and jump like crazy all the while not even noticing that we are not right there playing with you, talking to you, paying 100% attention to you" stuff. Which is actually nice because aside from the time in the jumper you are fairly demanding about the attention thing, as in "you better be talking to me and entertaining me at all times" demanding. So your father and I would pay $5,000 for that jumper as ransome if someone stole it is all I am saying.

More than once over this past month your dad and I have remarked that you are no longer a 'newborn' but a real baby. Like, all baby like and all. You look older, and cuter, and pudgier. You have mastered grabbing, and in the last week you can remain sitting up unassisted and OH. MY. GOD. You got a tooth about 3 weeks ago! Sweet Pea! You got your first tooth! I am so proud of you! Seriously, your dad and I were totally proud of how advanced you are with the tooth thing...

(Except the teething is killing us. You didn't sleep all night for 3 nights in a row)...but your big gummy grin makes you look so much like your father when he smiles a big goofy smile, I have to laugh every time you do it.

Unfortunately for you, getting the tooth resulted in our inability to sleep in the same room with you any longer. Sleep deprivation was making everyone I had contact with at work want to kill me, so 4 days before your 5 month birthday, we put you in your crib...IN YOUR OWN ROOM! And can I just say that all that worrying I did over you being alone and lonely in your room was for nothing. If you could speak I swear you would have said "well thank god I don't have to share a room with you two anymore." You love your room and sleep through the night, once you finally go to sleep. I say "finally" because you have been hard to put down lately, but it isn't anything we can't handle. I hate to see you cry, so I rock you to sleep in my arms each night until you fall asleep before putting you to bed. You inevitably wake up once or twice within the next hour, and we repeat the rocking. I don't mind, I just can't let you cry ala the "Ferber Method"...oh well.

You have gotten very strong this month. You bounce like crazy in your jumper, and you love to stand up and sit up for long stretches. But you still have not rolled over. I asked the doctor last Friday about it, and she said you "weren't motivated" to roll, but you were very very strong. Despite putting toys just out of your reach, and practicing and praising you like crazy for rolling, you won't do it. It is a glimpse into your little personality. Your little stubborn streak. Although I have to say, I secretly suspect you have rolled over for one or both of your grandmothers, and they just don't have the heart to tell me.

You also started to eat cereal this month. GOOD LORD do you love the cereal. You would eat half a box if I let you. And we did give you peas once, which you loved...but in a stunningly great parenting move that will surely win us awards, we decided to forego giving you any more peas once we changed the peas diaper a few hours later. So it's just been cereal for now. You may be ready for peas, but your father and I are not ready for the (literal) fallout from such a milestone.

This month was a little hard because I have worked all month. I was just getting the hang of everything with you, when I had to go back a few days before your 4 month birthday. It has been hard, and tiring for me, but you have made it easier and less stressful each step of the way. You love being with your grandmothers, and clearly reward them with going down easily for naps and eating every 3 hours like clockwork. When I am with you Friday through Sunday, you eat irregularly (sometimes every 1 1/2 hours even) and rarely nap for very long. And save for the last few days that you have been in your crib, I have to admit that your sleeping habits have should I put this? Ummmm...sucked.

I am officially a working mom now, and I am dealing with the guilt and strain of that. The sheer amount of hours I have to put in at work and with you, in addition to all the pumping in the middle of the night, have left me bleary eyed tired on some days. And for most of the month I have been horribly sick (a cold which you gave me, might I add. You were over it in 3 days...I have had it for going on 3 weeks. Obviously I need to pull it together) but we have struggled through alright, and I think you still love me despite my absence.

As I write this I am at work. Taking a rare break to do this for you, even though I don't really have the time. I am making an effort to keep up this journal, keep doing the little things that moms do. I don't want you to miss out on anything because I work. I don't want you to feel the loss of anything because your mom has a busy job. So I take care of everything I still can for you. I bathe you even though your grandmothers would love to, I feed you cereal every night with your dad. I don't miss a night putting you to sleep, and when you wake, it is me who comes to get you. The thought of not being there when you need something, anything, is a weight that feels like it is crushing me. So I burn at both ends for you.

And I promise you that everything I do is for you. Every breath I take is for you, each waking moment that I am away from you my heart aches. And every moment that I am not at work, or making my way to you, I am with you. Holding you, playing with you, reading to you. Rocking you to sleep in my arms until your body goes limp, happy and safe and content in my arms each night. Picking you up each morning when you open your eyes.

I wish I could say I am doing all this for your sake alone, but really, it is for me. I am learning how to be away from you. To be a working mom. It isn't easy, and the guilt is almost as overwhelming as missing you is. But I will figure it out. I will learn to let go a little more, and you will be fine.

Right? You'll be fine won't you?

Just know that I love you more than there are stars in the heavens.




Blogger KidKate said...

Congrats on getting her in her own room! Yay! And sitting unassisted--wow. I am impressed. We are with you in the rolling department. Baby *can* do it--I've seen her--but she never remembers how from one day to the next. Oh, well. They'll get there when they're ready, right?

8:26 PM  
Blogger julie said...

i've been a lurking reader for months now; i can't even remember how i found your blog. today i have to comment because I am so moved by your musings about being a working mother. Our first child will be born in August (end of) and will go to daycare in November. I am already deeply affected by this decision, every moment of every day. Half of me wishes it weren't so, the other half (the half with the masters degree and the career) feels so lucky to have the opportunity. I cried when I read your words, and I hope you don't mind, but I saved them to read again. They are a comfort from one working mother to a future working mother...that even though I will feel deeply guilted by my decision, I am not alone and I haven't made the wrong choice and I don't love my baby any less. Thanks.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Desiree said...

She sleeps in her own room now? That's great.
I'm a bad mom.
I let him sleep with me. I have no problem with it, but his dad does.
He never would sleep on his own in the crib, and this was the only way I finally got some sleep. Maybe if his complaining father would help out a little more at night, it wouldn't be an issue.
My little guy is 8 months now, and still not a great sleeper. Ya, his sleeping skills pretty much suck.
He just grew in 4 teeth at once!!! THAT was bad. I keep trying to become a good mommy, that knows what to do with a sick, teething baby, but I just haven't figured it out yet. I still don't know what I'm doing.
He likes his jumper too, but he still demands all my attention, to the point where if he's sitting on my lap and I am watching tv, he'll smack me for my attention. Nice ha?

3:58 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home