4 Months

Buddha,

Before I had you, people would ask me how much time I was taking off from work to be with you. They would always smile when I said 4 months and explain that the fourth month is the month you would really start to be someone, start doing things, getting a personality.

Month four has been magical, and wonderful, and beautiful. Month four was the holiday season, and you and I were out and about enjoying ourselves. You got more substantial in month four, more of a baby and less of a newborn. It was easily the most transformative month so far. You were a different baby from the beginning than you were at the end.

You started to laugh. And it is hysterical. Your laugh is a little stilted cackle, and when we laugh at you laughing, it makes you laugh all the harder. We must look like a family of idiots laughing at nothing...You also started grabbing and mastering your hands more. And you play with us. You react when we talk to you instead of just stare blankly at us.

I drink alot of water, and recently let you try some straight from the water bottle. You LOVED it! Now, everytime you see a bottle of water, you reach for it. I know I shouldn't let you drink out of the bottle, but I do. It is so funny, and you can amuse yourself for 15 or 20 minutes just sipping water.

The other day I was eating a snack pack of mandarin oranges. I put one to your lips so you could taste it. You were licking it like crazy, and I was holding it to your lips when all of a sudden, you sucked it in. I panicked and opened your mouth to get it out, but you had sucked it right down! Aside from scaring the hell out of me (and I will not give you another small orange to try) you seemed to enjoy it, and cried for more.

We had so much fun during the holidays with you. Of course, you didn't have the slightest idea what was going on a Christmas, but for the rest of us you made it wonderful. The entire tree was packed with things for you from Meme. She went crazy buying you stuff. So did Uncle Peter and Grammy and Papa Ooch. I only bought you one dress...but Daddy saved the day and got you your first Winnie the Poo. He also got you a "little piggy" outfit and a frog teether. Daddy was so proud of his presents for you.

The real present from Daddy is that he was home for two weeks. It happened to be the last two weeks of my maternity leave. We spent two weeks basking in eachother. And you started to become 'in love' with Daddy. It's like it occurred to you who he was, that he was just like mommy only without the milk. You had such a good time with him. And he really loved being with you. He was infatuated with you before, but now that you return the feeling, it is a gift to watch you both together. To see how uninhibited Daddy is around you. No matter who is around, you are the center of all his attention, of all his love.

You are the object of his affection.

As for me, this month was amazing, and certainly my favorite for so many reasons. But at the end of the month, I had to return to work. It colored the month for me. I enjoyed every second I could with you, but always in the back of my mind was the fact that I had to return to work. It was easily the hardest thing I have had to do yet.

I was devastated over it. I ached for you even before I left you. For the month of December, I kept you close to me, in my arms. Wanting to hold you enough to make up for leaving you. I wish you knew how much I wanted to stay with you, how much I want to be there every single second of all your days...but we simply can't afford it. So back I went. And it felt like my heart was being squeezed all day. I have so many pictures of you in my office...I look at you all day. It still hurts to leave you every morning, and I run home to you (literally, I run) each night.

But if it was hard for me, you seemed not to even notice. You are all smiles in the mornings, and happily play all day with your grandmothers. They both reported that you eat and sleep on a basic schedule, and hardly fuss. And when I come in the door at night, you are content and relaxed. You look at me as if to say "Oh, Hi Mom. Where have you been?" and then return to whatever it is you are doing until I come over and pick you up for a thousand kisses. You are a happy baby. You are doing wonderful.

You are doing wonderful without me. That is the rub. Because it stings a little. I am relieved that you are doing well, and happy that you are so content and at peace with life, but the fact that you are so wonderful in my absence hurts me. It is the curse of mothers I suppose. That the very thing you hope for your children is to be happy and content in and of themselves. But to do so, means you don't really need me, and that crushes me a little every night when I walk in and each morning when I walk out.

But most of this month was spent together, with you in my arms and Daddy giving us an endless hug. I have fallen more in love with you this month. We all found our groove with each other. Our places with each other. Yours is at the center of the love your father and I share. You are that love now. And you seem to know it. To know us. This month you, Daddy and I just soaked eachother up before "real life" got going. This is the month I will remember us becoming a real family.

I love you Buddha

Love, Mommy