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Monday, April 07, 2008

Little Girl Blue

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's how I feel. I mean, I am totally in love with my baby, and my husband, we live in a house that I am in love with. My job, although I am torn about leaving the baby everyday, is one that I like for the most part. We have great friends, and my family is wonderful. But I feel like as happy as I should be, I have been in this cycle of complaining and being negative all the time.

It's starting to wear on me. It's starting to wear on us. I notice that my husband likes me less...I feel like he does. I feel like this negativity cloud is created entirely by me and I don't know why. Why?

I feel like we had this baby and she was the light of my life, born entirely of our hearts. My God, I just want to eat her with a spoon. But as wonderful as she is, she takes alot of work. There is no time for myself, no time for my husband and I to really talk. I feel like I am going through the motions of life, but not really living it. Just trying to keep my head above water. Wake up, feed her, hug her, go to work, come home, feed her, play with her, hug her, put her to bed and go to bed myself from being so tired. And I watch a tv show sometime in all that chaos...while my husband watches the game (whatever game, it doesn't matter) on a separate tv.

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

I'm missing out on this wonderful life that I'm living. Like I'm not present for it...does anyone understand? I can't explain it well, but I know how I feel.

And in the midst of it all, I complain about everything. "I'm tired, so and so is an asshat, work is driving me crazy, I'm tired (that's really a big one!)..." I feel like I am losing myself, losing my husband. Overreacting to everything. And it needs to stop. This constant cloud of negativity and complaining has to stop.

I have excused this behavior under the guise of the life change of having a baby. But seriously? No. Just no. I can't let this go on much longer or it becomes me. Becomes who I am. And I don't want to be this person. I know that person. Hell, we all know blogs like that (KidKate knows who I'm talking about!) I don't want to bring people down that way. I don't want to be the human equivalent of a Counting Crows CD.

So tonight, I am going home and dragging my fat behind out for a run with the baby in our new jogging stroller. Then I am going to kiss my husband and make some dinner, which we will eat together at a real table. And the TV? Well, that's what DVR is for. I think I'll start reading again. And You know what? What the hell? I'm not even going to utter a word on the ride into work tomorrow as he attempts to drive "Dukes of Hazzard" style over the bridge.

I'll just bitch about it on my blog...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey. longtime reader, firstime commentor here. we just talked and as usual you seemed your cheerful self. please know that i TOTALLY understand. i know it sounds overly simple, but you need to just hang out-- just the two of you. no less than--and preferably more than-- 3 hours. so something you used to do together out of the house (i won't suggest bike riding though) it is so easy to lose yourself, forget how you got into this wonderful yet same-as-it-ever-was mode. you have the support system so please use it. please. you really deserve it, so does he and so does baby katie. you know that she'll benefit from a happier you even more than you will. i know you're not feeling desperate, but why not feel better sooner? i'll swing by in the scion hoopdee soon and just by experiencing my freakshow you'll feel better. xo.

4:23 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Somewhere in there, you need to schedule a date night for you & hubby :) My hubby & I have at least 2 a month, whether going all out for sushi and drinks (last weekend) or simply dropping the kiddos off at a local Parent's Night Out at a nearby church (6:30-11PM for $25 for all 3 kiddos!!!!) and driving home for leftovers or take-out and a DVD. It's all good - and very necessary to our sanity, as well as our marriage. Parenthood can become very monotonous and will wring you out quicker than anything else, so its important to recognize when that's happening and deal with it before it gets any worse. Admission is a huge step in the right direction :) And, remember, no one is perfect no matter what their situation (stay-at-home mommy or working mommy) and we all need a break. Oh yeah...I'd highly recommend a massage or pedicure just for you, at least every 6 weeks :) You is just as important as Baby Buddah!

12:01 AM  
Blogger Katrina said...

Becoming parents ranks pretty high on the emotional Richter Scale. It totally changes the once familiar topography of your life into something resembling a foreign planet. That's a lot of change to assimilate in a short time, and it's normal to feel off your game. Your post made me tear up a little because I can remember feeling the same way (and the not knowing when--or even if--I would get my legs under me again made it worse. The second baby was easier.)

Anyway, Date Night is good advice, and your plan sounds good, too. *Hugs* while you figure it all out!

12:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why I feel compelled to post. I am addicted to blogs like they were reality tv or something and I particularly like your blog but I am not really an interactive blog user. While I don't yet have children (I am getting married in September), I know the feeling that you are talking about. I agree with all of the other posts but I'd like to add one other piece of advice: give yourself a damn break. You don't always have to be Mary Sunshine even if your life is ten times as blessed as Mary Sunshine's. Sometimes when it feels like you are just plodding through life, the best thing to do is try to lighten up on the complaining and just keep plodding until things shift and you feel better again. It gets better. Life is wonderful but sometimes its mundane or overwhelming or even tragic- when its any of those things I just think to myself, it will not be like this forever, just keep going. Don't beat up on yourself because you feel you aren't enjoying it enough. It's obvious you are enjoying your baby and your husband (who I do not believe likes you less by the way.) Good idea about the running too- I definitely think that helps clear some of the old mental fog.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Hi, I'm also long time reader, first time commentor (although I did try to comment before but lost it and was too tired to rewrite). About your post, I so could have written this same post if I had a blog and was even a quarter as witty and accurate about describing emotions as you are. I have a soon-to-be 3 year old son and a 5 month old daughter. I own an English bookstore/coffee shop in Madrid (although I'm from the US) and well, most days I feel like I'm sinking instead of swimming. And I get pretty grouchy about it. I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and man did I have a mini crisis that only my husband had to endure. Woe is me, 30 years old, 20 pounds overweight,no social life, and a sex life more boring than the Waltons. But one thing the 3 year old has given me is a little more perspective. I've never been good at the perspective thing but I do remember feeling like this with him and then when he after about 14 months I noticed a big difference in quality of life (mostly bc of better sleep) and now, well the kid does everything. And that really makes life easier. Anyway, sorry for the long post. I just wanted to say, "halleluja sista. I feel ya" and it'll get easier. Sounds like you're taking the right steps to feeling better. Jamie

7:42 PM  
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9:06 PM  
Blogger Marcy said...

What you're feeling, I think is VERY common among new moms. We've been fortunate to have the grandparents come out to visit and give us breaks from time to time, which helps a LOT. There are times when I feel I'll never lead a normal life again, and watching all my local child-free friends go out and do all these things so easily (not having to think about bringing a baby along, take the car or the bus? When will he need to eat? etc etc etc) makes me sad sometimes. But this is our new life, and it's wonderful in its own way, and we need to find ways to keep us being ourselves while we grow into this new role as mommies.

Date nights are a great idea, you also need some time just on your own, when hubby or whomever can watch the baby and you get to do whatever YOU want to do, on your own or with a bunch of girlfriends, to help recharge you.

Best wishes. =)

3:59 AM  
Blogger rebcram said...

I too was going to suggest Date Night... however, all your other equally wise readers have beat me to it!

Being a working mom is hard, no doubt about it. And sometimes it does feel like you're on a treadmill. I have been there, oh my Lord yes I have. But at the end of the day, think of all the wonderful things you have going on in your life. Beautiful baby girl? Check. Good husband who obviously ADORES both of you? Check. Good job? House you love? Check and check!

Not to be all Pollyanna on you, but it does help to focus on the positives and be thankful.

Well, that, and occasionally getting a little time to yourself. Which CANNOT be underestimated. Get a babysitter, for while the baby is sleeping if you don't want to sacrifice time with her, and go out to dinner, or to coffee, or to a bookstore... whatever would help you recharge those batteries.

Sorry for the novel, but this is something close to my heart... now that I have two kids, I have even less time and really struggle with this too!

So at the very least, just know you are not alone.

5:25 PM  
Blogger krystyn said...

wow - you have some good comments here and I can totally understand how you feel. I have a 10 wk old and it's the same 'ol everynight - pick up from sitter, home, clean bottles, defrost b-milk, make new bottles, bath time, nurse, bed for him, bed for me. Repeat next day.

8:18 AM  
Blogger Desiree said...

I understand.

This is what my life has become too. It's hard not to complain. Am I the complainer you are talking about? I hope not. = /
Being a new mom, and really really trying to be a good one is just overwhelming, but you get through it. Though, me and my honey haven't spent time together in a really long time, and our sex life is pretty much non-existant.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Cutes, Scoots and Colbmeister said...

Oh my gosh, I couldn't have said it better. I've been thinking and feeling these exact same things recently and couldn't find all of the words to post. You put it so so right out there - I thought my brain was writing as I was reading. Funny thing is I just recently up up a post on our blog about my running ragged and day. If you want to fee like you're not alone, read this! I think we just might understand each other :)

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Engineer's Wife said...

Just wanted you to know that I hope you are feeling better.

9:22 PM  
Blogger KidKate said...

Still feeling blue? On a blogging break? Come back soon!

3:01 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

How are things now, almost a month later?

3:21 AM  
Blogger wishcake said...

Hope you are doing well, my dear! I miss your posts, and I really need my buddha baby photo fix. Seriously.


My thoughts are with you!

10:26 PM  

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