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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Inevitable Freak Out

So remember in the beginning? Remember the stress I told you I felt about becoming someone's wife? Of course you don' one was reading this pitiful little blog back then. I mean it was before I was hugely popular with like, ummm, eight readers.

Holy Crap. I quit my job. I was all "I quit my job for a better gig, a better opportunity" yesterday. Today, I am all "Stop. Back this rig up, I am not ready to change! I hate change. Change is making me want to wet my pants right now."

Okay, breathe deep. No, not you...I'm talking to myself. I am breathing deep. It is a much much better job. The pay alone. The benefits and the type of work are just gravy. This is a no-brainer. Only, if it were just little old me that I had to worry about, I would never change jobs just because of the whole "OH MY GOD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING UNKNOWN...RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FROM THE NEWNESS OF IT ALL!" Which would be totally understandable if I didn't routinely tell my husband "I have to get a new job where they let me do what I want to do, and pay me more."

But its good right? Somehow I have convinced myself that I am doing it for us. For the family that we will one day have. I am taking this job, jumping into the volcano of the great unknown, because I love my husband and want the best for him, and this job will make a difference in our lives.

How good a wife am I?

Oh, the drama. It is in my blood, and I have woven a tapestry of lies.

The truth is, I am taking this job because it is good for me. I will get to do what I love, and the firm is better for me. It's another rung up the ladder. And that husband? If it wasn't for his support and making me feel like I can do anything, and coaching (or coaxing) me through it, I wouldn't have had the courage. So I ask you again...How good of a wife am I?

This is the second time I have changed firms since I started. The first change resulted in my crying every single night for 2 months. And that move, like this one, was a good opportunity for more money at the time. And Now I am leaving that opportunity for another. Change is a bitch, it will bring you to your knees. Or at least make you call your boyfriend 5 times a night to tell him how much you can't bear going to work because all your friends are at your old job, and "MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE!"

And I got through it. The job became a place I liked. And the boyfriend...he asked me to marry him 4 days into that job. Now he is my husband, and he is being very supportive, telling me how good I am, how proud he is and he may have mentioned in passing:

"I am not going to go through the crying again. This time around, you get a week, and then its over."

Hence why I am now crying on the internet. SHHHHHHHHHH. Don't tell him.


Blogger Carolyn said...

I know how you feel. When I changed jobs I knew it was for the better, but those last few weeks at my old job were so scary. "Wait, I know everyone here ... I'm finally at a place where people know what good work I do ... this company is established ... why am I leaving?" Then I realized that I'd never have a good opportunity there, I'd still see Em (which we do, we eat lunch every day still), that I was unchallenged and that the new job would be a great learning experience.

I know you made the right decision. I think it's something we all go through when we make change: getting married, having kids, changing jobs. You're going to do great!

9:02 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Sometimes, doing what is best for you is exactly what is best for your family. And you made a decision to make more money AND be happier which are exactly the best two ways to help the family, too.

It is scary leaving one job for another, but the idea of doing more of what you love can carry you through the struggle of meeting new people.

Take a deep breath. You are an extremely capable and likeable woman and you have made an excellent choice. Instead of crying for a week, I think you should be throwing parties!!

9:46 AM  
Blogger Clearlykels said...

Change sucks the big one. However, this sounds like a great move. And not just for your family now and your family later, but for you now. It is important that you get to practice the kind of law that you want to and have that freedom. However, if you need to freak out, go for it. We will all read with our sympathetic eyes and let you know that this sounds like a great idea.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Jules said...

I'm so excited for you! Meeting new people can be intimidating, but once it's over you will hopefully have wonderful new friends and will be able to look back on it all and think, "I'm so glad I took this new job, otherwise I never would have met _________."

11:33 AM  
Blogger Josefina said...

I HATE changes also (even if it's a temporary change) they make me so anxious.
And in the job part, they're worse, because the "I don't know anyone, I don't know how things get done around here" part really sucks.
But then again, that lasts for so little that then you think, why did I worry so much??? But I understand you, and I appreciate it very much that you are so honest to tell us!!!
But I think you'll be so fine in that new job. And also, whatever happens, your husband will support you, and that's the nicest thought to have!!!!
Good luck!!!!

12:07 PM  
Blogger undercover celebrity said...

Oh to feel the anxiety of changing jobs... :)

I'm the same way -- completely want to puke at my fear of the unknown. But slowly the unknown becomes the known and that becomes home. And then it will become too familiar and you'll want to change again. It's the circle of employment. Disney was thinking of making an animated film about it, but thought it would scare the bejeezus out of kids. So instead they just re-release Peter Pan and try to stick with the positive message of STAY A KID AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Poppy Cede said...

YAY!!!!! ((((HUG)))) I love it when I hear that someone is changing jobs. It's just so exciting, and I get to live vicariously through you! Oh, and not knowing anyone means you get a fresh start. ;)

I like how your husband put a 1-week cap on the crying. Like you can control it. And, even if you could control it, crying is our way of getting stuff OUT, so not doing so means we're internalizing it and letting it eat away at us. Not healthy. Cry, lady, cry!

4:10 PM  
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