Little Girl Blue
It's starting to wear on me. It's starting to wear on us. I notice that my husband likes me less...I feel like he does. I feel like this negativity cloud is created entirely by me and I don't know why. Why?
I feel like we had this baby and she was the light of my life, born entirely of our hearts. My God, I just want to eat her with a spoon. But as wonderful as she is, she takes alot of work. There is no time for myself, no time for my husband and I to really talk. I feel like I am going through the motions of life, but not really living it. Just trying to keep my head above water. Wake up, feed her, hug her, go to work, come home, feed her, play with her, hug her, put her to bed and go to bed myself from being so tired. And I watch a tv show sometime in all that chaos...while my husband watches the game (whatever game, it doesn't matter) on a separate tv.
Rinse, Lather, Repeat.
I'm missing out on this wonderful life that I'm living. Like I'm not present for it...does anyone understand? I can't explain it well, but I know how I feel.
And in the midst of it all, I complain about everything. "I'm tired, so and so is an asshat, work is driving me crazy, I'm tired (that's really a big one!)..." I feel like I am losing myself, losing my husband. Overreacting to everything. And it needs to stop. This constant cloud of negativity and complaining has to stop.
I have excused this behavior under the guise of the life change of having a baby. But seriously? No. Just no. I can't let this go on much longer or it becomes me. Becomes who I am. And I don't want to be this person. I know that person. Hell, we all know blogs like that (KidKate knows who I'm talking about!) I don't want to bring people down that way. I don't want to be the human equivalent of a Counting Crows CD.
So tonight, I am going home and dragging my fat behind out for a run with the baby in our new jogging stroller. Then I am going to kiss my husband and make some dinner, which we will eat together at a real table. And the TV? Well, that's what DVR is for. I think I'll start reading again. And You know what? What the hell? I'm not even going to utter a word on the ride into work tomorrow as he attempts to drive "Dukes of Hazzard" style over the bridge.
I'll just bitch about it on my blog...